When two people fall in love, they naturally want their families to blend right away and immediately get along with each other. This is very unrealistic and sets the stage for disappointment, hurt and anger by all involved.
Some of the other ideas that are common ideas and expectations are:
· Children will accept the new stepparent with open arms, courtesy and pleasure. Even if they are adults, there are still lots of feelings of loyalty from the original family that can get in the way of initial connection.
· The stepmother will be able to be kind, gentle and loving enough that the children will quickly fall in love with her.
· The stepfather will be able to immediately give advice and help make decisions that other family members will appreciate.
· The children will really like each other and enjoy having a larger family.
· If the family comes together after the death of a parent, it will be much easier.
· The new stepparents will really like and, even come to love, their stepchildren.
· This new loving family can “overcome” the influence of the other family.
What should you expect in a stepfamily?
· It generally takes one or two years for stepfamilies to say that they are finally okay.
· While there may not be any issues of discipline at this stage of the game, there is still a relationship with the partner's children that must be developed. Setting a goal such as "just being a friend" is a great place to start.
· Patience and lots of loving communication will be required because it takes a long time for people to feel comfortable.
· Stepparents and stepchildren may only get to the place of learning to get along. The relationship may never get deeper than that.
· Stress and struggle are the norm.
· Natural parents from “the other” family cannot be criticized in front of the children without causing problems in your family relationship.
· The adults must be the grown-ups (even if the children are also adults) and demonstrate lots of flexibility and understanding.
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