Our Nest is Empty, Now What Do We Talk About?

Many couples find it strange to suddenly be living alone, cooking alone, free to come and go as they please and not worry what time their offspring get in at night. Habits and worries that occupied so much of their lives outside of work are no longer present. Finding ways to occupy time and topics to talk about may provide a challenge. This can be especially hard when there has been a close connection between a parent and child.

One woman recently complained that she often felt depressed because she really missed her Wednesday night shopping and Sunday night movie dates with her daughter. She was worried that, now that her “playmate” was gone, her husband could not or would not fill that role in her life.

The transition is often easier when parents and children have had good relationships and can negotiate the changes in adult-like ways as relationships move from parent-child to more of a peer-like relationship. When there has been hostility or anger a painful move out of a parents’ home, it is much more difficult to feel positive and good about these changes.

When children have been a worry, it is not easy to let go of the worry. One dad recently said that he had a good relationship with his son but lots of his behavior concerned him. Moving out was good for both of them because now the worrisome behavior was not “right under his nose” so when they met for lunch or played golf together, they could chat about family news, politics or sports and not what was “wrong” with his son.

Many people are very excited and well-prepared for the change. These are usually those who have other interests, hobbies and activities alone and together; however, that may be something hard to cultivate during child-rearing years.

One thing that couples must do is to recognize that this life transition brings about many different feelings: sadness, disappointment, loneliness, excitement, confusion, boredom; along with concerns about aging or getting old. It is good to talk about it with each other … about the changes for each as an individual and as a couple, and look for ways to fill those gaps without causing distance in the marriage.

Look for and dream about the positives of this transition. Talk with each other about what you DO like about this different time in your life. Brainstorm activities, classes, hobbies, trips and new experiences that you can have with each other. Develop new rituals of connecting like sharing coffee and the paper on the living room couch together every morning or taking a long walk after dinner every night.

Celebrate the transition to a new relationship with your adult children and plan regular opportunities to gather such as family vacations, monthly dinners, Wednesday night phone conversations and other regular connections that you all can plan for and count on together.

Tip of the Week, May 26, 2008

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
Robert Fulghum

Adult Orphans

The name conjures up strange images and seems pretty foreign to many adults who have lost their parents; however, for others, it can be quite jolting and disquieting to recognize that they have become the oldest generation. We all know that our parents will die one day, and yet, it can be quite painful when that time actually does come.

Some say that they feel very alone and find the loss significant. Old rituals or habits that must end like talking things over with a parent, spending social time, holidays or Sunday dinners with them or even letting go of care-taking responsibilities may require some adjustment.

Hannah, a woman in her 50’s and an only child without children of her own, remarked that it was incredibly sad to recognize that there were no other close relatives in her life. She felt very alone. Bill, a 48 year-old man, said that the loss of both parents was very difficult for him and he would most miss the many family rituals that he, his wife and children enjoyed with Bill’s parents.

Parents hold family memories. Suddenly, the history is gone. Parents also often hold unconditional love and regard. As adults, we often still look for ways to make them proud of us and when they are gone, we are required to look within ourselves and others to provide that respect and appreciation that helps us to feel good about who we are.

Adults who come from difficult families, or have had painful relationships with their parents, may also feel the loss after they are gone. Then there truly is no opportunity for a reconciliation or for a relationship that feels loving and respectful, even if hope for that was given up long ago.

There are some things that you can do:
Talk out loud with someone that you trust about positive, negative and even ambivalent feelings about your parents.
Decide on regular rituals to remember your parents like visits to the cemetery, planting special flowers every spring, lighting candles and recovering memories or even just sharing memories out loud.
Find ways to move on, even with small steps, giving yourself permission to let go. Letting go of the grief does not mean forgetting.

What has been helpful, or trouble spots, for you? Please share your comments with us.

Tip of the Week, May 19, 2008

I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. The only thing that I can do is to change myself, my thoughts about them or their behavior or the way that I handle certain situations. Some things I must accept … and learn to let go.

Tip of the Week, May 12, 2008

Ask your spouse about his or her dreams … for career, travel, entertainment, retirement. Ask your child the same question. Talk with your friends and family about their dreams. You may find some very interesting and intriguing things out … and the person that you question will appreciate being asked.

Resolving Family Tension After Parents Die

Question: Do all families have tension and disagreements after their parents die? My sisters and brother and I have always gotten along; however, since my parents’ death, we have grown apart and two of them are no longer speaking. There are 4 of us and we are all in our late 50’s and early 60’s. Seems like some of them are acting like children again. What can I do to help?

Response: It is not unusual for families to develop tension after parents die. Often the tension develops as plans are made for funerals and memorial services or the parents’ household is distributed. Old feelings of jealousy and hurt can emerge as some take charge and others respond or react. Many people are not good at resolving conflict, asking for what they want or need or even disagreeing. Other people, often the oldest child, take charge and that can cause resentment. One recent study found that dividing the parents property caused the most tension because so much holds sentimental value and desires for and losses of “special” things from wedding rings to family photos to Dad’s favorite chair can cause tension, hurt and angry feelings.

When the tension emerges after the death, try to talk as a group about a safe and fair way to divide the property. There are lots of different and creative ways to help this to happen from selling everything and dividing the profits to drawing numbers and going through the house one room at a time, choosing an article based on each person’s number. The main thing is to have a group decision about the process. If everyone is involved in that decision, things will go much more smoothly.

If there has been some time since your parents’ death and the lingering tension remains because of how things were handled after the death … or before with care for the parents and/or end of life decisions, it can be harder. As a family member who is interested in seeing change, look for one or more of your sisters or your brother who might share your feelings. Begin conversations with each other and then with those who are still hurting, about their struggle and listen with empathy and concern, even if you do not agree with them. Don’t try to “talk sense” but see if they can feel as if their ideas were appreciated. Begin to talk about some process of contact, even if it is limited. That may not happen; however, if you are patient and go slowly, sometimes this can change. Losing parents, even when you have been an adult for a long time, can be very difficult. Grieving and resolving the loss takes time. When this is complicated by feelings of old childhood hurts or wounds, it can take even longer.

Find ways to keep yourself out of the middle in this. You are not a mediator or a therapist. Do what you can to keep a relationship with all of your siblings and model love, respect and healthy communication.

Tip of the Week, May 5, 2008

The next time that you and your partner have a very difficult conversation that really seems to go nowhere, ask your selves … “Is this about a conversation that we really should be having instead of this argument?”