Dating: 7 Healthy Habits

Dating is interesting and desirable for people of any age. Here are 7 habits for dating and choosing healthy partners.

1. Go slowly in a new relationship. There is no reason to rush. Enjoy the experience of really getting to know someone. Put off the “Where are we going with this?” discussion for 6 months.

2. Think about your past relationships and learn from them. What did you do right and what you want to do differently?

3. Have a checklist of qualities that are important to you and stick with them. Dating is more about finding someone healthy for you than someone who likes you.

4. Think of dating as a sport rather than an intense search for THE ONE. Relax and have fun.

5. Meet your date’s friends and let some of your friends meet your date. See how he/she acts around friends and assess what you think about your date’s friends.

6. Consider a rule for yourself about sex and intimacy such as not to sleep with someone new for at least a month.

7. And finally, never mistake infatuation for love.

Do you have ideas as well? We would love to hear from you.

Tip of the Week, December 29, 2008

Begin a Gratitude Journal. Every night, write down 3 things that you are grateful for that day.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

Make a photo album of one of your favorite trips, holidays or moments. Write captions and a dedication page.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

Create and write in a journal, with your own handwriting, a list of “25 ways that I think you are special” or “25 reasons why I love you“.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

Make a family “communication” box. Find a small box and put trinkets in there that will communicate feelings. A band aid can mean “I am hurting”, a Kleenex can mean “I need a good cry”. A candy heart for “I need love”. A small lifesaver can symbolize “I am feeling overwhelmed.” A place card can mean “I need a favor”. Put the box in a place where all can see it every day. When someone needs any one of these emotional needs met, they just lay out the symbol for others in the family to see.

Tip of the Week, December 22, 2008

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same. - Donald E. Westlake

Another Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Idea

Get a lot of small items from the dollar store … or make/bake some. Wrap each one individually and attach instructions to only open one a day until New Year’s Day

Another Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Idea

Collect and burn a cd, specially made for your friend or family member. Add one song that you chose because it reminds you of him or her … along with a note that explains why.

Ideas for Low-Cost, High Care Christmas Giving

It is a week until Christmas. We know that many people are worried about how to provide gifts for their family and friends and yet want to give them something. We are going to offer one idea each day until Christmas.

Today's idea: a Family Staycation. Pretend that you are on vacation in your own home. Do things that you would normally do on vacation, stay up late and sleep in, eat different foods, play games, visit interesting sites, watch movies and eat popcorn. Celebrate time together.

Tip of the Week, December 15, 2008

For one of your holiday gifts, talk with your partner about your proudest moments. Share with each other what things about yourself and your relationship that make you the most proud.

Holiday Rituals Are Gifts

When you think back on your childhood, what do you most remember … the gifts that you received or experiences that you had? For us, and probably for many of you, more emotion is around how your family celebrated holidays.

It is comforting to think about that in these times of financial stress, because rituals cost very little money and are so important in bonding families together and promoting healthy and positive feelings about each other and about this special time of the year.

Some of the rituals we have heard about recently involve family outings to pick out the Christmas tree, special food, drinks and music, baking for neighbors, midnight religious ceremonies, caroling in neighborhoods.

One of our favorites involves “train night”. We invite all of the grandchildren to spend the night, get out John’s childhood train and put it up. One of the grandchildren gets to go with Papa John to pick out a new accessory for the train every year. We have popcorn and hot chocolate while John reads The Polar Express and the next morning we all walk to the candy store to pick out special treats. The children make sure that we maintain the same routine and look forward to it every year.

Please share some of your rituals with us.

Tip of the Week, December 8, 2008

Let go of planning for tomorrow. Live in the present.

Tip of the Week, December 1, 2008

At this holiday time, remember, lower expectations lead to a higher sense of peace.

Tip of the Week, November 24, 2008

During this week of Thanksgiving and in this very hard and scary time in our economy, take the time to let others know the things that they do that you admire or appreciate. Appreciation is a gift that keeps on giving.

Lonely, Single and Facing the Holidays

Are you facing the holidays alone? Many say that they are okay with their “singleness” most of the year but the holidays are really tough. You want someone to go with you to parties, shopping, to share presents, religious and family celebrations. Doing these things alone, especially in the company of others who seem happily mated can be really difficult and remind you even more that you are not “coupled”.

It is extremely hard if this is a “first” for you. The first one after the end of a relationship, especially after a death or a divorce, is so very hard. Thoughts and feelings from memories of past holidays together feel overwhelming at times and it may seem hard to get through each day, sometimes each hour. It gets easier as time passes although some say it never really gets easy.

Here are some suggestions for helping you to ease this time.

Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself a Christmas present and special holiday food. Think of ways to celebrate the goodness of you.

Go easy and have realistic expectations. Don’t expect “glorious” holidays, rather look for ones of peace.

Acknowledge your feelings of sadness and loneliness. Recognize that it is natural to want to share this time of year with someone special. Journal about it or talk it over with a friend and then find a way to let it go. Focus on something or someone else. Do not let yourself travel too far down the path of unhappiness, rather head it off at the pass. Rarely is there anything good that comes from thinking too much or letting these thoughts overwhelm you.

Do something for another person. This can be anything from volunteering to help out in a shelter to baking cookies for neighbors. Reaching out to others, often ones in a more difficult situation than your own, can help put your own loneliness in perspective.

Write a list of the good things about you and happening in your life right now. What do you do well? Who are your friends? What are your strengths? What would others say that they most like about you? Make copies of this list and keep it near by so that you can reach for it whenever you need to bring yourself back to a happier place.

Make plans. If you do not have a lot of people to keep you busy … or money to cover costs, find ways to attend events at the library, show up at a church, walk in the neighborhood where you might see other people. Get out of your home and be active. We have a friend who has organized an “Orphans’ Christmas”. She invites others that she knows are alone for the holidays. They all bring a small gift to open and exchange and share a meal. This tradition is now 12 years old and she has requests from others who hear about it and want to join the group.

Remind yourself that this time does not last forever. January 1 will come and life will return to a more normal place. You have gotten through tougher times in your life. You can and will get through this as well.

Tip of the Week, November 17, 2008

Spend the same amount of time that you spend on your hobby (running/exercising, watching television, playing golf, etc.) on your marriage.

Holiday Family Stress

The holidays are nearly here and many of us will be spending time with family. For many people this involves seeing relatives that they may only see at this time of the year. We do not always like or agree with all of our relatives and this can bring about stress and tension for days, weeks or even longer before the events. Here are some suggestions for how to think about and handle these gatherings.

Visualize the experience. Think about all of the possible difficult conversations or statements and make plans in your head or with your spouse about how to handle them. Practice your responses which can be anything from silence to a simple statement or a prolonged conversation. Planning for difficulties makes them less stressful.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Answer the question: Is it more important to have family harmony or win an argument? Arguing rarely is helpful and yet it is important to stand up for yourself and sometimes for others. Prolonging a discussion after making a statement may not be helpful in the long-run. If you really need to state your opinion, do so respectfully, listen and then, if at all possible, find ways to let go.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Try to position yourself around the relatives that you like and enjoy. Don’t make it too hard on yourself. If you find Uncle Charlie irritating, be friendly, but then sit near others. Remember, you don’t have to like everyone.

If alcohol is served, limit how much you drink. Plan to keep your good thinking in place.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

Do you have any ideas to share with us? Please post your comments here.

Sally Connolly and John Turner
CouplesClinicofLouisville.com

Week of November 10, 2008

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Leo Tolstoy

Tip of the Week, November 3, 2008

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.”
Author Unknown

Tip of the Week of October 27, 2008

Marriages need frequent tune-ups. If kept on autopilot too long, they will run out of steam.

Tip of the Week of October 20, 2008

Life presents many challenges and struggles. Some people seem to experience far more than their fair share. Those who survive and thrive find ways to meet those challenges and changes and come out better rather than bitter.

Older Couples Report Higher Satisfaction In Their Marriage

Recent research on brain chemistry shows that our brains change as we age. The older that we get, the less we notice the negative things in our lives and in our spouse and so, older couples report a higher level of happiness in their marriage.

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology scanned brains of young people, middle-aged and old as they viewed both positive and negative scenes. The older brains showed less reaction to negative and stronger reaction to positive scenes. Younger brains showed more activity when viewing negative scenes and those in their middle ages responded in a more balanced way.

"As people get older, they seem to naturally look at the world through positivity and be willing to accept things that when we're young we would find disturbing and vexing," said Dr. John Gabrieli, a professor of cognitive neuroscience and one of the researchers in the study. This helps older couples see problems or bad habits in a more positive light or just let go of them rather than holding on and allowing them to color their feelings about each other.

We met John and Mary on a scuba trip off the island of Tortola. Both were in their middle 70’s and still diving. On every dive trip, they would hold hands throughout the dive, pointing out interesting things to each other so that the could share their stories when they returned to the boat. We asked them what made their 50+ year marriage seem so good to those of us observing. They acknowledged some tough times over the years but had made a decision to overlook the small things and only focus and celebrate the good in each other and in their relationship. They agreed that it got easier as they got older … and their memory of old hurts and troubles faded while their friendship deepened.

Tip of the Week of October 13, 2008

Give what you want to receive. Speak in the way that you want to be spoken to. Treat your partner in the way that you want to be treated.

Tip of the Week of October 6, 2008

Try to see things through your partner’s eyes.

Dating After Divorce

I have been divorced for 3 months and wonder when it will be time for me to jump back into the dating scene. What do you think?

Good for you at thinking about this and asking this question out loud. Too many people believe that the best way to survive the breakup of a marriage is in the arms of another. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is very important to grieve the loss of the relationship and, even more importantly, the hopes and dreams for what could and might have been. It takes a lot of courage to grieve the losses because there is nothing about it that feels good and struggling through it as a single person can be very hard; however, the distraction of a new romance robs the opportunity for developing maturity, self-understanding and growth.

There does come a time when it is a good idea to think about venturing forth into places where you might meet another romantic partner .. “climbing back on the horse” as one might say.

Some of the signals that might indicate you are ready to begin dating will be clear and completed. Others will definitely be fluid, a work in progress. Here are some of our ideas of things to think, write and talk about.

What was my contribution to the end of the marriage/relationship? What have I learned about myself, in addition to a possible defective “picker”, that I know that I need to do differently? Figure out some of the answers to these questions as a beginning to success in your next relationship with the right person.

Am I able to go days without crying or being excessively angry at my former partner’s past behavior? Can I also experience him or her now and have normal but not excessive emotional reactions. Not only must you be able to heal from the past, you also must be able to find ways to be more detached and less emotionally accessible, with either positive or negative emotions, to your former spouse in order to finish the divorce process and be able to be a healthy partner in a new relationship.

Have I been able to get my finances and career in a healthy place or have a plan to do so and definitely taking steps in the right direction? It is never a good idea to begin a relationship from a place of “need” rather than strength. You want to be able to stand on your own two feet so that you can enter any relationship on solid footing.

Have I developed a life of my own as a single person? Make sure that you can be comfortable on your own (even though you may wish that you had a partner). Other people cannot really make someone happy. Each person has to learn to do that for him or herself.

Have I done some thinking about what I want in a new partner? It is important to define what you are looking for so that you have some standards about those you want to spend time with and with whom you want to explore a relationship. Dating is not about finding someone who will pick you … but rather finding someone who fits your needs.

These are some of our ideas. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Tip of the Week of September 29, 2008

What counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Leo Tolstoy

Supporting Your Relationship Through a Financial Setback

There are a lot of households stressed about money these days. This financial crisis has couples and families of all ages worried. Some fear paying bills, others worry about retirement as they see their savings dwindle. It is often hard to keep the stress and worry from affecting marriages. We often find it harder to be nicer to the ones we love. Here are some suggestions that we have for couples who want to strengthen their marriage, not let it deteriorate.

Acknowledge that this is a tough time. Do not deny the seriousness of the situation. Talk together about your worries, fears, anger and sadness. If sadness or depression hangs around a lot for one or both of you, consider professional help.

Remember that you are on the same team. Both of you have the same wish, to resolve the financial dilemma. Think of this as a puzzle to figure out together. Visualize each other as a team-mate not an opponent and talk with each other in ways that promote good feelings rather than accusations or mistrust.

Share the load. Do not try to solve the problem by yourself. Ask your spouse to handle the bills every other month or be in charge of making sure unwanted lights are put out, clip coupons, walk to the store, etc. Think together about how you can help each other as you look for ways to survive and maybe even thrive.

Plan regular “financial summits”. Plan to meet on a regular basis to talk about money, budgets and bills. Use actual facts and figures to plot your moves. Try to find a way to make them a little less stressful like pouring a cup of coffee and sitting on the back deck or going to McDonalds for ice cream and talking it over away from home. However you do it, though, make sure that you both do it and are open, honest and “scratching your heads” together over how to handle the money.

Set goals. A small percentage in savings? Stretching the paycheck to last throughout the pay period? Paying off one credit card? Monitor your progress on the goal and scratch them off when you have been successful.

Try to keep things as normal as possible. Have date nights and family nights even if you have to be very frugal. Make sure to have fun with each other and promote laughter and play. The more you can generate positive times and put deposits in the emotional bank account, the easier it will be to get through the tough times and difficult decisions.

Tip of the Week of September 22, 2008

Forgiveness often helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven. Furthermore, there are times when it might be best for you, not to tell someone that you have forgiven them, just forgive in your heart.

Tip of the Week of September 15, 2008

Learn something new about your partner. What does he remember about grade school? What is the silliest thing that she carries in her purse? What did the children do in his neighborhood on summer nights? Which movies stars did she most admire as a teen? What was his first volunteer project? How did her parents show love?

Seven Special Date Ideas

Couples must continue dating throughout marriage. It is important for connection, nurturing and romance. It reminds people not to take each other for granted. Dates lead to many deposits of love and good will in the emotional bank account so that when normal problems arise, it is easier to work through them. Most couples can figure out regular dates like dinner and a movie. Here are some suggestions that we have for putting a little more verve and interest in a marriage. We welcome ideas from you as well.

1. Re-create your first date. Try to remember what you were wearing and look for something similar to wear (unless you have been successful at keeping your youthful figure). Go to the same places, put on a cd with music of that era, see if you can remember your conversations from earlier dating days.

2. Renew your wedding vows. Visit the location where you were first married, alone or invite others. Sit in the back of the church, on a blanket near the chapel, somewhere close by. Share your vows with each other and then have a celebratory meal, maybe go dancing, and reminisce about that day.

3. Too expensive and complicated to get a sitter? You can still have special dates. Make a combined effort to get the children in their rooms and settled for the evening, pop some popcorn and put in a movie from your past. Talk about the what was happening in your relationship when you first saw that movie. Think about ways that you can bring some of those same things back into your relationship now.

4. Plan to go somewhere and do something different that neither of you have ever done before. Go a little outside of your comfort zone. Eat new foods, try a different activity, listen to music that is unusual for the two of you. Dress up or dress down. Be completely different and adventurous. Break the old routine and see what new information this reveals about your spouse.

5. Do something for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, take food to shut-ins, volunteer to repair homes with a community agency, work on a project in your neighborhood. Notice the positive feelings that you have about yourselves and each other as you help others.

6. Plan a sensual (not sexual) evening. Light candles, wear perfume or cologne. Plan a massage that is only for relaxation and becoming reacquainted with each other’s bodies. Commit to having no more than a sensual experience. Take the pressure off for a sexual encounter, instead use it to become more connected in a pleasure-giving way.

7. Pretend that you are just meeting for a first date. Make every effort to look really nice. Be charming in a way that you would with a new acquaintance. Ask lots of questions about each other, likes, dislikes, dreams, fears. Make every effort to be curious and inquisitive as you would with anyone that you would like to impress.

Developing a Positive Sentiment in the Marriage

How do you know when a troubled marriage really is going to be okay? What are signs that things are back on track?

One of the ways that we can tell when a couple is back on track is when they talk about each other and their relationship with a positive tone, softening problems or their partner’s mistakes with understanding and talk of “when we get through this …”

Jim and Joan struggled with many problems in their marriage including Joan’s affair 3 years ago. Jim was recently telling about a fight that they had and remarked that, in the past, he might have thought about this as a good reason to think about divorce; however, now he just thought about it as miscommunication and differences and something that they would have to figure out together.

Emily was relating a story about Tim’s forgetting yet one more of her birthdays. In the past, she would have been extremely mad, hurt and disappointed. She would have seen it as a sign that he no longer loved her and was very selfish. Now she is able to tease him a little, let it go and then let him know what she was buying her for a present and where he was taking her for a celebratory meal.

This “attitude of forgiveness and acceptance” allows couples to place a positive sentiment on what might have been seen as negative and hurtful behavior, lightening the feelings in the marriage and enhancing a “we-ness” and commitment to work through “normal” differences and challenges. This occurs when there are a lot of positives in the marriage and couples have an abundance of love, good will and positive feelings toward each other and their relationship. (John Gottman’s researched formula is 5 positives for every 1 negative.)

Tip of the Week of September 8, 2008

Write a love letter to your partner.

Tip of the Week of September 1, 2008

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Toxic In-Laws

My husband’s parents treat me terribly. No matter how hard I try to be nice to them, they do not reciprocate. In disagreements, they always take their son’s side. I am thinking that it would be better for me if I just kept my distance. Is this the best solution?

Being an in-law truly can feel like being an “outlaw” at times. It is rare for a spouse to really feel like the child of the other one’s parents. You are wise to notice that what you are doing currently is not working in the way that you want it to and you want to find a way to do something differently.

Here are some things to think about :

Set realistic expectations. Don’t think that they will automatically like you. You “took” their child away and now they have to accept someone new, not necessarily of their choosing, into the family. While there are some parents who find it easy to incorporate new members into the family, others find it an intrusion and have a great deal of difficulty shifting relationships, rituals and connection with their own child.

Find ways to befriend them like inviting them to dinner, picking up something small when you are shopping for yourself and your own family, calling occasionally just to say “hello”. Allow the friendship time to develop slowly.

Try to think of some of the things that you do like about them and find ways to call that to their attention. Be as positive as you can around them in your words and your actions and find ways to notice the good things that they do.

It is rarely a good idea to talk with your in-laws about problems with your spouse, even if you feel very close to them. While you might think that it would be helpful to engage them in changing your spouse, unless the problems are very serious ones such as drug abuse or alcoholism, it is more likely that they will not think fondly of you rather than becoming upset with their own child. Find other confidants for yourself.

If you feel that they are truly being mean to you, talk with them about it. Try to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. Begin in a “soft” way saying things like, “I am sure that I am being overly sensitive, however, it really hurt my feelings when …” or “Can you tell me what you meant when you said …. ?”

Strategize out loud with your spouse about your struggles. He may be able to help you see things from a different place or he may be truly unaware of their treatment of you. Ask him for his support and to speak up if he witnesses and recognizes that they are being disrespectful.

Do not cut off all contact with them unless they are truly abusive to you. They are your spouse’s parents and you, and your family, will be better off if there is contact along the way. You may choose to limit the amount of time that you are with them. You may choose to stay in a hotel when you visit. You and your spouse may agree that you do not have to attend every family function as the two of you build rituals for your own family.

We know that this only scratches the surface of some of your concerns, questions and experiences and would welcome your comments here.

Tip of the Week of August 25, 2008

Don’t expect that repeating the same attempted solution will get different results. For different results, do something different.

Top Ten Tips for Marriage Maintenance

1. Have regular State of the Marriage discussions. Talk about what is good that you want to make sure to continue as well as the hopes, needs or dreams that you have that might make it better.

2. Treat each other in the ways that you want to be treated yourself. Even if your spouse is having a rough day or has “forgotten” to be nice, continue to be kind and gentle and wait for it to come back to you.

3. Do not “sweep things under the rug”. If there are things that are bothering you in the marriage, or disagreements that you have with your spouse, think about them carefully. Decide if they truly are small things and ones that you can really let go of, then do so. If not, talk out loud with your spouse (not others) about your thoughts and feelings.

4. Try to see disagreements in each other’s eyes.

5. Say “I love you” in different ways every day, with words, your eyes and your actions. Show clear signs of physical affection.

6. Have time for fun. Be sure to laugh and play together on a regular basis.

7. Respect your partner and his or her ideas. You do not have to agree with them in order to respect them. Listen carefully to her/his thoughts and feelings, even if they feel unfair to you. You will have time to express you thoughts and feelings later as well.

8. Have a date every week, even if you never leave home.

9. Find ways to talk every day. Check in with each other about what is happening in your lives. Look for new and different facts about your spouse’s day.

10. Say at least one positive or appreciative thing about your partner every day.

Tip of the Week of August 18, 2008

When your spouse has a complaint, keep from offering your alternative view or a counter-complaint. Just get a better understanding about their complaint and why it is a problem for them.

Tip of the Week of August 11, 2008

Everyone has complaints about their partner. If the complaint is bothersome enough to talk about, find a way to begin softly, maybe with a compliment or as a request for what you want rather than a complaint about what you don’t like.

Falling In and Out of Love

The way that most people get to our blog these days is through searching out words such as “no longer in love,” “why do people fall out of love” “why do people stop trying” and other variations on this dilemma. We also meet with many couples where one or both of the partners are struggling with recapturing old feelings of love. What a painful time for both people … and it presents such a struggle.

Trying to recapture those feelings of love can be like insomnia … the harder that you try to fall asleep … the more awake you feel. The harder that you try to fall back in love, the more you may notice times of not feeling in love. The more that you try to push those thoughts and feelings of distance out of your mind, the more present that they seem.

The more someone struggles with these feelings, the harder it becomes for the spouse because she, or he, feels that distance and the natural inclination is to try to pull their partner closer. Then the pursuit begins and couples engage in a dance that involves one trying to get closer and the closer that one tries, the more that their spouse pulls back as he or she feels pressure.

Bill and Sandy struggled with this when their children were very young and both were working a lot of hours. It seemed that there was no time to devote to their relationship and they felt distance develop. Both were also tired a lot of the time and their conversations frequently turned to nagging and complaining about the common couple issues of housework, child care, money and sex.

Many of their problems were never resolved but they also continued to surface and slowly but surely their goodwill and friendship eroded. Neither of them wanted to give up on the marriage, mainly because of the children, but both agreed that they had lost feelings of passion and love for each other. When one of them wanted to try, the other had little interest and they just became more stuck and more unhappy.

Bill was the one to finally decide that he needed to do whatever it took to change things in the marriage; however, even with the many changes that he made, it took Sandy months to notice or acknowledge them. He found the courage and patience to persist; however, and made the many changes that he knew she wanted. He focused on rebuilding their friendship, not pressuring her, just being open to her much slower progress.

Both are in a much better place today … and can look back on this time as one that might affect many couples at their stage of life. They are very glad for themselves, as well as their children, that they were able to hang in and turn things around.

Do you have stories to tell about your change of feelings … or of your spouse? Please share them with us.

Tip of the Week of August 4, 2008

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in love again.
Judith Viorst

Love Is A Choice

Have you seen the widely circulated email about making the choice to have a good or bad day? It starts out like this:

“John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!' He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

“Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

“He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or ... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

“'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

“'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'”

Love can also be a choice. You can wake up in the morning and choose to think about the bad things about your partner and everything that you do not like about him or her or you can choose to think about the good things about your partner, the things that you like and want to continue.

You can choose to think about the problems in your relationship as ones that may be fairly normal and ones that the two of you must work together to solve. You can choose to recognize some of the differences as normal ones that many couples face.

You can choose to let go of some of the small things as differences that you have to accept about your spouse or you can choose to let them build up until you are monumentally unhappy. You can choose to evaluate differences and decide which ones need to be talked about and worked through and which ones need to be just accepted as differences between you.

Couples in long-term healthy relationships say that they have seen each stress as something that they have to get through together rather than as something that might end their marriage. The view and attitude that you have colors your feelings. You have a choice in how you view your relationship.

Week of July 28, 2008

What you look for is what you get. Look for the positives in your partner and your relationship and comment out loud about them.

Is Divorce Contagious?

We have often remarked that, when clients refer their friends, the dilemmas are often similar. We are not sure what makes that happen; however, we do know that connections with other people influence ideas and experiences.

When you are connected to someone who is unhappy in their marriage, and that is a focus of some of the conversation, it can be easier to notice what is wrong with your own marriage. As people make decisions about their marriage, it may give others the idea that they can do the same. Some said that they found the courage to divorce after seeing their friends manage that difficult step and survive. Others have said that they wanted to stay away from friends who divorced because they feared that it would make it easier for them to give up trying to change things in their own relationships.

In a 2002 Swedish study, Yvonne Aberg, a sociologist at Stockholm University, found that as the proportion of recently divorced co-workers increased, so did the chances that other married workers would divorce. Aberg also found that men and women were 75 percent more likely to divorce during this period if they worked in an office consisting mainly of people of the opposite sex and of the same age. In addition, the more single people working in an office, the higher the divorce rate.

Surrounding your own relationship with others who believe that problems exist and are meant to be worked out can enhance your marriage. Spending time with others who are mature and committed spouses channels activities and conversation into ideas of healthy coupling. Talking with friends and family about the good things in your relationship and, if you need some advice, framing it in a way that imparts the message that you want some ideas for how to solve a problem, not just complain about what is wrong, also supports finding ways to have and maintain a healthy marriage.

Tip of the Week, July 21, 2008

Problems are generally not as bad as they seem. Thinking about them from a perspective of how life will be when they are solved can help to put things in perspective and often lead toward a resolution.

How Long Can You Twiddle Your Thumbs?

We pondered this on a recent vacation to the shore. The plan was to include a little bit of business but most was just rest and relaxation … good books to read, interesting restaurants, galleries and museums to explore. Because we are fortunate enough to have a career that we love, it is a strange idea ... to think of giving it up; however, one of these years we will.

There were a few things that we talked about as important in planning for this phase of life. Here are a few of our many thoughts.

One recommendation that we would make is to plan psychologically for this change. Relaxing for a few days with few plans can be wonderful when you are used to non-stop activity. That may not be the case when faced with an empty schedule. It is hard to go from the structure of work to more flexibility in life with fewer deadlines and commitments. Begin thinking about it, both regarding all of the benefits as well as the potential challenges of these changes.

Visualize out loud with each other as well as with friends and family, to make the picture more real. Think about how you will spend days and nights, not with a set schedule in mind, but with some idea of how much time you want to have for leisure and how much you would like to be productive. Think together about places that you want to travel, relationships that you want to nurture, volunteer activities that you want to pursue, projects that you want to tackle.

Ponder together as well about what new ways you will define yourself and what that will look like and how that will feel. Many people, men especially, tend to define themselves by their jobs. When you are now a “former” manager, therapist, attorney, police officer, etc. will that affect the way that you think and talk about yourself? Do you think it will have an affect on how others view you? How do you feel about that?

We will continue to share our thoughts about these changes and would certainly welcome yours as well.

Tip of the Week, July 14, 2008

Do something nice for one of your spouse’s relatives.

Tip of the Week of July 7, 2008

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

Tip of the Week, June 30, 2008

Always keep a sense of humor. It makes life so much easier.

Couples and Money

Finances are one of the most common areas of disagreement for couples. When we work with couples experiencing this problem we hear comments about trust, control, stinginess, irresponsibility, lying and dishonesty.

When couples start out with different ideas about money, they can get even further apart with time as each responds to the other. The one who is more frugal can become even tighter when he or she sees a spouse spend in a way that feels superfluous.

When a spouse who is freer with spending feels “controlled” with conversations,
criticism or checking, they may find ways to hide spending. What begins as a simple difference can escalate out of control and erode good will within the couples’ relationship quite quickly.

Here are a few tips that couples can discuss that might help them move from opponents about the family budget to players on the same team.

Talk together about a reasonable amount of money that each of you can spend without consulting the other one. Depending on each individual couple and their finances, it may be as small as $10 or as large as $1,000. Both agree that you will talk about it before any purchases are made (other than necessary ones such as groceries) and problem-solve around the decision.

Work on a budget together. Make sure that you both know the amount of money you receive in your paychecks, any additional income, and the amount of regular bills. Discuss other bills that may not need to be paid monthly but are regular and expected expenses.

Talk out your money differences. Couples with different ideas about spending may not really understand that thoughts of their spouse. For specific purchases that are controversial, talk about your position and why you feel as you do. Try to explain why this purchase is important for you and get a good understanding from your partner about her/his thoughts and feelings about this purchase.

Recognize that finances may just be something that is normal for you to differ on; however, if you remain respectful to each other in the conversations, you will be able to make decisions about expenses that will work for each of you. Think positively about this as a problem to solve, not an attack on your character.

Have conversations about the meaning of money for each. What did it mean when you were growing up? How did your parents handle money? How does that affect the way you think about money? Get a better understanding about your spouse and their thoughts about so money so that when you hit these normal roadblocks, you will be able to travel over them more easily.

Consider a financial planner. If you cannot afford one on our own, check with some churches in your area. Some churches and community centers have people who volunteer to help others with this.

Above all, continue to remain positive with your partner and know that you both have the same end goal in mind … a sound financial plan.

Do you have some ideas to share for what helped you to figure out financial differences?

Tip of the Week, June 23, 2008

If you feel yourself getting angry, take a break. Think about something positive or get busy doing something. After a while, think again about what made you mad and decide if it is worth talking about or not. If so, think of a calm and positive way to talk about it.

Men and Depression

My husband is depressed … and I do not know what to do to help him. How can I be helpful?

Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.

If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.

Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.

1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.

2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.

3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.

4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”

5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.

6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.

Week of June 16, 2008

Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not facts.

The Top Ten Reasons for Why People Fall Out of Love …
…. and not necessarily in this order.

1. Conflict. A high level of conflict or a lack of resolving conflict begins the distance and isolation cascade.
2. Too much disrespect or contempt. Even gestures such as eye-rolling or “correcting” a spouse erode loving feelings in a relationship.
3. Someone else. When you “love” someone else, it is easy to believe that you do not and can no longer love the one you are with.
4. Taking the marriage for granted and not finding ways to keep it vital and interesting. It is easy to forget the importance of finding time for and nurturing your relationship and your partner.
5. Thinking that those feelings are gone begets more of the same. The more that you think about a lack of feelings of love, the more you feel a lack of feelings of love. What you look for is what you get.
6. Busyness. Couples with young children have the highest divorce rates because their lives are so focused on children and careers.
7. Serious problems such as alcoholism, workaholism, etc. Love can only hang around for so long when a spouse is over-involved with work or struggles with serious addiction (gambling, shopping, etc.) or alcoholism.
8. Not making the shift from “I” to “We”. Couples must find a way to elevate the relationship in their priority list, not letting go of self-care, but recognizing that they need to look for opportunities to support the health of their relationship.
9. Depression. Sometimes when people are depressed, they think that it is because of their marriage and a change in partners will lift the depression. The spouse of a depressed person may also give up, believing that the living environment is too difficult.
10. Influences from family and friends. Family and friends, who often hear only one side of the story, may encourage ending a marriage. When there is a “divorce culture” among friends, and it may seem that the others are happier and the “grass is greener”, it makes it harder to do the work that needs to be done to turn a marriage around.

We will share a few hints about how to turn these feelings around in future posts and would welcome your comments and stories about what worked for you.

Tip of the Week, June 9, 2008

I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps.
Rocky

She just doesn't "get" me ...

Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.

Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.

Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.

Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”

You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.

Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.

If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.

If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.

Tip of the Week, June 2, 2008

When you marry someone, you get a whole new set of problems. There are always differences between people in a relationship. Expect them. Don’t try to change them. Learn how to compromise, adapt, discuss and accept the differences. Some problems just do not have a solution … however, if you can learn to talk about them, they can enhance, not detract from, your relationship.

Our Nest is Empty, Now What Do We Talk About?

Many couples find it strange to suddenly be living alone, cooking alone, free to come and go as they please and not worry what time their offspring get in at night. Habits and worries that occupied so much of their lives outside of work are no longer present. Finding ways to occupy time and topics to talk about may provide a challenge. This can be especially hard when there has been a close connection between a parent and child.

One woman recently complained that she often felt depressed because she really missed her Wednesday night shopping and Sunday night movie dates with her daughter. She was worried that, now that her “playmate” was gone, her husband could not or would not fill that role in her life.

The transition is often easier when parents and children have had good relationships and can negotiate the changes in adult-like ways as relationships move from parent-child to more of a peer-like relationship. When there has been hostility or anger a painful move out of a parents’ home, it is much more difficult to feel positive and good about these changes.

When children have been a worry, it is not easy to let go of the worry. One dad recently said that he had a good relationship with his son but lots of his behavior concerned him. Moving out was good for both of them because now the worrisome behavior was not “right under his nose” so when they met for lunch or played golf together, they could chat about family news, politics or sports and not what was “wrong” with his son.

Many people are very excited and well-prepared for the change. These are usually those who have other interests, hobbies and activities alone and together; however, that may be something hard to cultivate during child-rearing years.

One thing that couples must do is to recognize that this life transition brings about many different feelings: sadness, disappointment, loneliness, excitement, confusion, boredom; along with concerns about aging or getting old. It is good to talk about it with each other … about the changes for each as an individual and as a couple, and look for ways to fill those gaps without causing distance in the marriage.

Look for and dream about the positives of this transition. Talk with each other about what you DO like about this different time in your life. Brainstorm activities, classes, hobbies, trips and new experiences that you can have with each other. Develop new rituals of connecting like sharing coffee and the paper on the living room couch together every morning or taking a long walk after dinner every night.

Celebrate the transition to a new relationship with your adult children and plan regular opportunities to gather such as family vacations, monthly dinners, Wednesday night phone conversations and other regular connections that you all can plan for and count on together.

Tip of the Week, May 26, 2008

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
Robert Fulghum

Adult Orphans

The name conjures up strange images and seems pretty foreign to many adults who have lost their parents; however, for others, it can be quite jolting and disquieting to recognize that they have become the oldest generation. We all know that our parents will die one day, and yet, it can be quite painful when that time actually does come.

Some say that they feel very alone and find the loss significant. Old rituals or habits that must end like talking things over with a parent, spending social time, holidays or Sunday dinners with them or even letting go of care-taking responsibilities may require some adjustment.

Hannah, a woman in her 50’s and an only child without children of her own, remarked that it was incredibly sad to recognize that there were no other close relatives in her life. She felt very alone. Bill, a 48 year-old man, said that the loss of both parents was very difficult for him and he would most miss the many family rituals that he, his wife and children enjoyed with Bill’s parents.

Parents hold family memories. Suddenly, the history is gone. Parents also often hold unconditional love and regard. As adults, we often still look for ways to make them proud of us and when they are gone, we are required to look within ourselves and others to provide that respect and appreciation that helps us to feel good about who we are.

Adults who come from difficult families, or have had painful relationships with their parents, may also feel the loss after they are gone. Then there truly is no opportunity for a reconciliation or for a relationship that feels loving and respectful, even if hope for that was given up long ago.

There are some things that you can do:
Talk out loud with someone that you trust about positive, negative and even ambivalent feelings about your parents.
Decide on regular rituals to remember your parents like visits to the cemetery, planting special flowers every spring, lighting candles and recovering memories or even just sharing memories out loud.
Find ways to move on, even with small steps, giving yourself permission to let go. Letting go of the grief does not mean forgetting.

What has been helpful, or trouble spots, for you? Please share your comments with us.

Tip of the Week, May 19, 2008

I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. The only thing that I can do is to change myself, my thoughts about them or their behavior or the way that I handle certain situations. Some things I must accept … and learn to let go.

Tip of the Week, May 12, 2008

Ask your spouse about his or her dreams … for career, travel, entertainment, retirement. Ask your child the same question. Talk with your friends and family about their dreams. You may find some very interesting and intriguing things out … and the person that you question will appreciate being asked.

Resolving Family Tension After Parents Die

Question: Do all families have tension and disagreements after their parents die? My sisters and brother and I have always gotten along; however, since my parents’ death, we have grown apart and two of them are no longer speaking. There are 4 of us and we are all in our late 50’s and early 60’s. Seems like some of them are acting like children again. What can I do to help?

Response: It is not unusual for families to develop tension after parents die. Often the tension develops as plans are made for funerals and memorial services or the parents’ household is distributed. Old feelings of jealousy and hurt can emerge as some take charge and others respond or react. Many people are not good at resolving conflict, asking for what they want or need or even disagreeing. Other people, often the oldest child, take charge and that can cause resentment. One recent study found that dividing the parents property caused the most tension because so much holds sentimental value and desires for and losses of “special” things from wedding rings to family photos to Dad’s favorite chair can cause tension, hurt and angry feelings.

When the tension emerges after the death, try to talk as a group about a safe and fair way to divide the property. There are lots of different and creative ways to help this to happen from selling everything and dividing the profits to drawing numbers and going through the house one room at a time, choosing an article based on each person’s number. The main thing is to have a group decision about the process. If everyone is involved in that decision, things will go much more smoothly.

If there has been some time since your parents’ death and the lingering tension remains because of how things were handled after the death … or before with care for the parents and/or end of life decisions, it can be harder. As a family member who is interested in seeing change, look for one or more of your sisters or your brother who might share your feelings. Begin conversations with each other and then with those who are still hurting, about their struggle and listen with empathy and concern, even if you do not agree with them. Don’t try to “talk sense” but see if they can feel as if their ideas were appreciated. Begin to talk about some process of contact, even if it is limited. That may not happen; however, if you are patient and go slowly, sometimes this can change. Losing parents, even when you have been an adult for a long time, can be very difficult. Grieving and resolving the loss takes time. When this is complicated by feelings of old childhood hurts or wounds, it can take even longer.

Find ways to keep yourself out of the middle in this. You are not a mediator or a therapist. Do what you can to keep a relationship with all of your siblings and model love, respect and healthy communication.

Tip of the Week, May 5, 2008

The next time that you and your partner have a very difficult conversation that really seems to go nowhere, ask your selves … “Is this about a conversation that we really should be having instead of this argument?”

Tip of the Week, April 28, 2008

Repair, repair, repair … any damage to your relationship while having a disagreement. Winning the argument is much less important than maintaining the friendship. Look for ways to let your partner know that you love him or her, even if you disagree with them. Find ways to use humor, loving comments and positivity while having an argument or disagreeing.

Tip of the Week, April 21, 2008

I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults, and the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them - it was that promise.
Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth

Tip of the Week, April 14, 2008

In one study of couples going through divorce, growing apart and distant was given as the main reason for the divorce in 80% of the cases. A high level of conflict was given as the reason in 40% of the cases. When couples distance … and often lose interest in discussing or disagreeing, there is a greater likelihood of divorce.

Tip of the Week, April 7, 2008

Make sure to notice and comment on the positive things that your partner does, especially the things that you have asked him or her to do. We are all more likely to repeat the things that we are told are good than to stop doing the things that we are scolded or criticized about.

Older Couples Report Stronger Love

A recent study by The Longevity Center at Stanford University reported that couples who stay together report a deepening love as they develop better ability to solve problems, resolve conflict and keep the flame of attachment and interest alive. While younger couples decide that they do not want to “settle”, older couples report that they do make that decision and grow happier with each other as time progresses.

The ongoing study of 156 couples showed that love and marriages get better as couples stay together and weather difficult times and normal life changes. As people age, they are able to calm themselves more quickly, use positive thinking and emotions more readily, let go of small hurts or disappointments more easily and regulate their emotions better.

This does not mean that couples do not need to be active in finding ways to connect with each other, especially as they move through life transitions, however, as we “mellow with age” it is much easier to have less investment in “winning” and more investment in pleasure and appreciation.

Planning Retirement ... How Do I Spend My Time?

Question:
I am a 64 year-old man … looking toward retirement. I am looking forward to it … playing lots of golf, seeing more of the grandchildren, working in the yard. My wife will also be retiring about the same time. We do not have much in common any more and I worry that we may end up fighting a lot as she seems to want me to be with her a lot more than I want to be with her. I am also used to being very busy with my job and I am not sure that I can find enough things to keep me interested. Do you have ideas for me?

Reply:
Very smart of you to be thinking ahead about how to spend your time in retirement. Many people do not seriously think about it and then, while excited about not having to punch that time clock, they also find themselves bored at the prospects of a lot of unfilled time. Often people have many of their social needs met in the work environment as well as their identity … who they “are”, what they think of themselves and how they explain to people what they do in life is based on their work. This drastic change affects all of that.

We will offer some beginning ideas to think about … and would love to have comments from others who are reading this about what they have found that works.

* Do plan to take some time to just relax. Play some golf, see old friends, travel a little … or a lot.

* Look for ways to provide some structure to your week. Set up regular golf games, lunch with friends, pick one day of the week just to spend with one of your grandchildren … or all of them and keep to that schedule as much as you can. Have coffee and read the paper with your wife every morning and then take a walk together. Make some plans that you can count on without scheduling too much of your life.

* Nurture your friendship with your spouse. You once enjoyed time together and had things in common … look for that opportunity again. Consider taking classes together … bridge, dancing, cooking, something in the adult education department with your local schools. Many of the universities have senior-focused classes and Elderhostel trips that can be very interesting, enjoyable and provide more social outlets.

* Stay active. Have a regular exercise plan … walking, golfing, swimming, whatever interests you. Find ways to incorporate your wife and friends when you can.

* Learn something new to keep your brain active. While classes like bridge, a new language or dancing help … so do crossword puzzles, sudoku and other word games.

* Read, keep abreast of the current events.

* Volunteer your time for others. Look for opportunities … on a regular basis … to share your time and talent with others. Give back. There is research that shows that people who give to others have happier lives as they focus more on others and less on themselves.

What has worked for you? What questions do you have about retirement?

Tip of the week of March 31, 2008

Look for 3 times today to connect with your partner for just 60 seconds. Give him a long kiss, send her a sweet text message, give him a hug, make a quick phone call, fix her a cup of tea … just 60 seconds, 3 times today.

Tip of the Week, March 17, 2008

Disagreement can be a good thing in a marriage. When couples don’t disagree, sometimes it might mean that they don’t care enough to talk with each other. Other times, it might mean that one or both of them doesn’t feel safe to truly express an opinion, disagree or stand up for him/herself. It night also mean that they never learned how to disagree when growing up .... possibly because they never saw their parents do it respectfully. Honor your differences and learn ways to talk about them in respectful ways.

Stand By Her Man?

Why does she stay with him?
How can she do that?

These are the questions that we are hearing often as yet another public figure is in the media for infidelity. From Bill and Hillary Clinton through Eliot and Silda Spitzer, many public figures have been filmed making public statements with their wives by their sides. We see many other couples who really stand together, with a great deal of pain, but with love and commitment and find ways to survive … often thrive, in spite of tremendous betrayal and hurt.

Jim Cramer, the economics guru, was being interviewed this morning (3/12/2008) by Meredith Viera on the Today Show about the 416 point stock surge on the stock market yesterday. She then asked him about his close friends, Eliot and Silda Spitzer. They have been friends since Harvard Law School. Cramer’s eyes teared up and his voice was clearly in great pain as he then talked for several minutes about how much he loves this man … and his wife … and 2 days after the announcement, he still has trouble believing it.

We can not go inside the heads, hearts or marriages of others. Many people will say with clear conviction, “If he (or she) betrays me, then the marriage is over.” and yet, when faced with that problem, their thoughts and feelings are rarely that certain. Spouses stick together for many different reasons, love not being the only one. Often there are many other factors: children, time together, history of the relationship, money, family, religion, political futures as just some of those reasons.

Many marriages do come out significantly better … we have been privileged to be witnesses to these spouses as they courageously work through these incredible difficulties. Not all of these marriages can be saved; however, … and yet we respect a great deal, these women who chose not to give up so quickly.

Tip of the Week, March 10, 2008

Excuse your partner, even if you are sure that they do not deserve it.

Couples Can Recover From Affairs

Learning that your partner has been unfaithful, sexually or emotionally, feels like a punch in the stomach. Often the first reaction is to kick out the cheating spouse, tell everyone about how “wronged” you have been and see an attorney about a divorce.

Our advice to you … step back, cry, be angry, talk things over with a “safe” person like a therapist, a person in a helping profession … or someone that might be “for” your marriage. Let a little time pass before making any kind of decision.

Many of the couples that we see have actually called the revelation of the affair a “gift” to their marriage. Generally, affairs do not happen in strong marriages, although that can sometimes be the case. Often couples have grown apart because their attention has been turned elsewhere … to work, children, alcohol, activities … or one or the other has not been able to talk out loud about things that bother them. When someone is not allowed … or does not give themselves permission to talk out loud about things that bother them, they can build up walls of anger, hurt and resentment that turn them away from their spouse and toward another person.

After the initial aftermath of the disclosure, and if this is not a relationship where there have been multiple affairs, couples can then look at the issues that brought them to the space in their relationship that “eased the way” for the affair to develop. This “wake-up call” often helps couples then learn how to talk more openly with each other about what they want and need in their relationship, discover ways to handle conflict effectively, turn more to each other and away from other interests, renew their sex life and develop more positivity in their relationship.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage

There are things that couples can do together to make sure that they each remain faithful in the marriage.

* First and foremost, maintain open and honest communication in your relationship.

* Find ways to keep it interesting and nurturing. (Yes, that can happen … although there are times that it may take some effort.)
* Keep your sex life active.
* Limit the amount of time that you spend with people of the opposite sex or those who might be potential romantic partners. Don’t go to lunch alone, have personal e-mail or phone conversations with someone of the opposite sex.
* Invite your spouse to join you for social opportunities and talk over those social opportunities that may be work or professionally related that would not include your spouse so that you can decide together about attending.
* Clearly, in work settings, there will be times that you may need to be with others that you might find interesting or attractive. Work hard to keep the conversations about business and limit personal information. Some affairs develop very innocently and just “sneak up”.
* If/when you find yourself attracted to someone of the opposite sex … and that occurs for most people … let your spouse know. This may be a hard conversation … but put it out on the table so that it is not a secret. Do whatever you can to stop contact with this other person. Then step up your positive thinking about your spouse as well as visible signs of affection.
* If you find yourself unhappy in the relationship and tempted to go somewhere else, talk it over with your spouse. If that does not help, ask for couples counseling. If your spouse will not join you, go alone … but try hard to engage them first.

Emotional Infidelity

Affairs that damage or destroy marriages do not have to involve sexual relations. Emotional attachments and infidelity can be as destructive. An emotional affair involves a mutual friendship with another person that is kept a secret from a spouse. It is not the same thing as a platonic friendship because it involves sharing personal information in a way that leads to stronger feelings with the friend than with a spouse or partner and has some element of sexual chemistry. There may not be a feeling of guilt at having done something wrong since there has not been sexual involvement

Emotional affairs develop from friendships with another person that deepen as knowledge and intimate information is exchanged. There often is no plan to develop feelings for someone else … they just happen with time and connection and may grow in even the most unlikely friendships. Most of the damage from the emotional affair occurs because of the secrecy, lies and the distance that grows as feelings of attraction and love are transferred from the spouse to this new person.

Some of the signs that might be evidence of an emotional affair are:

* Thinking more about “the friend” than your spouse.
* Noticing a change in feelings about your spouse as the friendship with the new person develops.
* Keeping secrets about this friendship from your spouse.
* Becoming defensive when this friend’s name is mentioned or lying about your connection.
* Having sexual thoughts or fantasies about this other person.
* Sharing personal secrets with this other person.
* Talking negatively about your marriage with “the friend”.
* Believing that your friend “gets you” in a way that your spouse does not.

How A Cheating Spouse Can Regain Trust

Often there are problems in a marriage before an affair begins; however, in order for trust to rebuild, it is important to address the infidelity before spending a great deal of time on the marital problems. There are several reasons for this, the most important being that the “hurting” partner will not be in any shape to hear about their mistakes until they can believe that their spouse has heard them and understands how painful this “solution” was to them and to the relationship. This is sort of like the idea that, if you injure your body, you have to stop the bleeding before you can treat the wound.

The affair, and contact with the other person, has to also end. This may be easier said than done as many affairs involve emotional connection and ending the affair brings about a process of grieving. When the affair has come from a work situation … or somewhere that contact cannot be completely cut off, it is best to find ways to make the break as clean as possible and immediately inform the spouse if contact does occur.

The spouse who has had the affair must also find ways to apologize sincerely for the affair without linking it to the problems in the marriage. An affair is not a good solution for marital problems so the apology has to be clean and simple.

It is best for the cheating spouse to find ways to allow his or her partner to check up and verify that he is where he said he will be … or she is not having contact with her lover. This may include things like giving out the password to an email account, handing over your cell phone every night so that he can scroll through the numbers, engaging someone to be a “lookout buddy”. This would be a co-worker or friend who has regular contact with the spouse and may know the affaire’. Any time that the hurt spouse worries about on-going contact, she can talk with this trusted friend to assure that her spouse is being faithful. After the cheating spouse takes charge of ”verifying” her fidelity, it can change the inquisitor/prisoner pattern so that the hurt spouse can let go of some of the checking.

Conversations about the affair should be held to a minimum amount of time during a couple’s week and the cheating spouse should try to answer the questions openly and honestly. It is also good if the person who had the affair can check in with their partner on occasion to find out if there remain any other questions.

As trust begins to develop and within the first few weeks after disclosure, work on the marriage can proceed and each person will have the chance to speak and be heard about their needs, desires, complaints, hopes and wishes for the marriage. Full recovery cannot be expected for a period of one to two years. It is only then that both will be able to say … “We are okay” … so settle in and know that this process takes time.

Telling the Story of the Affair

Couples often ask us how much information needs to be revealed; and how can the hurt person find out the information without feeling like a detective with a prisoner. The person who had the affair usually does not want to talk about it, often out of embarrassment and guilt. They also are often sad or hurt by problems in the marriage and want to find a way for a quick healing process. On-going questioning might hurt any possibility that the couple may have for renewing the friendship that initially got them together and greased the way for them to fall in love with each other.

It is important to remember that one of the hardest parts of the affair is the secrecy. The secret provides distance and a wall between the couple that may seem hard to penetrate … and it is only with openness and sharing that true intimacy can occur. While it is often hard for the one who has had an affair to be open about it … opening up can also feel good since it is very hard to carry such a secret around and try to live two lives. For the one who has been hurt, there is no way to truly have trust again if secrets remain. How can someone be trusted if he or she continues to hold secrets?

Initially, it is important to just stick with basic facts: who was the affairee, when did it begin and end, where did they meet, is the affair over and what, if any, contact are they currently having. As time goes on and the couple develops deeper intimacy, it will be important to reveal more information about the affair, the motivation for the affair, the emotional connection and how the spouse opened him- or herself up to this event.

These difficult questions are truly best answered in a calm and neutral setting and with the help of a competent therapist. Developing trust after such a significant breach takes time, motivation, commitment and a lot of hard work. It is not a smooth path with clear guidelines and markers, rather it is more like a roller coaster with highs and lows and lots of scares. We strongly recommend that you get some professional help with this journey. If your spouse will not join you … explore it alone.

Tip of the week of March 3, 2008

Do something that your partner really wants you to do, even if you find it to be boring or silly. Do it in a way that your partner believes that you are enjoying it … because it means that you get to spend time together and makes him or her happy. Your partner will know that you do not really enjoy that activity … but the fact that you are doing it willingly and cheerfully, especially when it is sincere, will score big points for the relationship.

You CAN Change Your Spouse

Some of the research shows that couples do adapt to each other over time and, in healthy relationships, they each have influence over the other.

So … what are the secrets that these couples have that help them to change each other? What do they do? What do they know about how to get their partner to change?

One of the first things that these couples realize is that you have to choose your battles wisely … and let go of the rest. What are the things that are most important to you? A neat house? Being on time? Helping with housework? Keeping you apprised of his or her schedule?

What can you let go of … The way that he chews his food? Interrupting you when you are telling a story? Her need to collect shoes? Make a conscious decision to let go of those behaviors and every time that you notice your spouse doing one of those things, find a way to just let it go. Think of a positive habit or attribute.

When you have decided what behavior that you would like for your partner to change, begin to notice when he or she is doing something different … when he puts his cup in the dishwasher, when she is ready on time …and make sure that you find a way to let your partner know that you notice those efforts.

Think about requesting small specific changes. You might not ask your wife to always be on time; however, you might ask her to find a way to be ready in time to leave for a certain event. You might not ask your husband to be neater all of the time; however, you might ask him to hang up his towel in the bathroom. Be sure to compliment and offer appreciation for those changes. You may not be thinking that you are asking for a lot … but for some this may be a very big change in habit.

Ask in a positive way. Use “I” statements like … “I would really appreciate it if you would just put your towels back on the rack after you shower, it would make my life easier and help me to feel appreciated.” Or “I know that you do not want to feel like you always have to check in with me; however, when you let me know about your plans after work … and an approximate time for when you would be home, then I did not worry … or call you a lot. I would really appreciate it if you would do that again.”

How DO You Meet Someone to Date?

We meet many people who are lonely … or just interested in finding a romantic partner. The question, of course, arises about WHERE do you find them … if you are no longer young enough to still be in school and most of the people who are in the accepted dating range do not comprise a large pool.

There are some of the obvious choices, church groups, activities, business meetings, wherever people are gathering … and one of the best, through mutual friends. Many today are also branching out into the on-line dating services and these can work quite well for many. We will write more about this in another spot.

The most important thing to remember is to present yourself as someone who is open to meeting others and possibly dating. Make eye contact with other people … women and men. Practice small talk with people in natural spots like grocery lines, doctor’s offices, bookstores, your children’s ballgames, etc. Ask questions about other people and become interested in what is happening with them in their lives. Reach out to others by inviting them to do something with you or just phone to say “hello”.

Interview everyone that you can about how they met their partner. You may find some unique and interesting ideas for what to do to meet someone that you want to spend time with.

Consider setting a few goals for yourself each week that would put you in a spot to meet someone and practice one socializing … even possible flirting … behavior.

I am going to share with you some of the places that our friends met and invite you to visit our blog and add ideas of your own. In each of these instances, the couple became friends before romance developed.

Sam and Lisa, both scuba divers, met at a local dive club.
Ann and Jerry met at a professional organization.
Tom and Sara met through a local service organization.
Steve and Andrea met while both were walking their dogs in the park … and started talking after nodding
and greeting each other several times.
Martha and Bill met at their grandson’s baseball games. Their adult children introduced them.
Doug and Marsha met at a local ballroom where they were both taking ballroom dancing classes.

How did you meet your partner? What creative ideas have you heard about?

Tip of the Week, February 25, 2008

Acceptance promotes healthy relationships. Find ways to accept differences with your partner. You cannot change another person and many habits that may annoy you may not be worth getting upset about … or having a fight or even a conversation about. Find ways to accept your partner for who he/she is. It will make things easier for both of you.

Tip of the Week, February 18, 2008

Try new things and new places on your date nights. Recent research is showing that, while it is common for romantic love to diminish over time, novelty helps to stimulate those feelings. While a change in patterns will not heal a seriously damaged relationship, it can help to re-ignite some of those feelings of fun, interest and excitement. Take a drive down a different country road, go to a new restaurant, walk through a different park. Listen to a new music group in a place that you have never been before. Visit a gallery that you have never visited … be creative in your new experiences.

Tip of the Week, February 18, 2008

Try new things and new places on your date nights. Recent research is showing that, while it is common for romantic love to diminish over time, novelty helps to stimulate those feelings. While a change in patterns will not heal a seriously damaged relationship, it can help to re-ignite some of those feelings of fun, interest and excitement. Take a drive down a different country road, go to a new restaurant, walk through a different park. Listen to a new music group in a place that you have never been before. Visit a gallery that you have never visited … be creative in your new experiences.

How Can I Get Him To Talk To Me?

So many women would love to hear more from their men … about their day, about their friendships, about their hopes and dreams and about what is bothering them. Often men are just not as verbal as women … so what is a woman to do?

Here are some tips to try.

* See this as a long-term project, not necessarily something that will happen quickly. Notice and appreciate each small step.

* Focus a great deal on his positives and the positives of the relationship. A lot of men say that they do not talk because they fear criticism. After you have created an atmosphere of positively, men are more likely to open up.

* Share a little bit about yourself. Talk about your day, your struggles, your dreams … and then just be quiet. Some people … often men … formulate what they are going to say in their head before saying it out loud. Give him time to do that.

* Ask simple questions like “Anything interesting happen at work today?” or “How was the boss today? Give anyone a hard time?” The questions should be ones that would not be too loaded. Ask only one or two questions, not a lot … and just be quiet to give him a chance to respond.

* Think about this … while more people feel better about talking about what bothers them, some feel worse. Your man just may be one of them. Let him lead the way.

* Look for times around an activity to begin the conversation … on a walk, driving in the car without the children, sitting at the table over coffee after dinner … or invite him to join you for a cup of coffee at the local coffee shop.

* When he does talk, do not offer advice or comments, just listen …and ask questions to get a better understanding.

* Let him know that you enjoyed hearing about his day, that it really helps you to know and love him even more.

Recipe for a Healthy Marriage

5 ounces of positive affirmations and gratitude
*Tell your partner all of the things that you like about him … and about your relationship together. Incorporate hugs, kisses and non-sexual touching.

4 ounces of open communication.
* Share what is going on in your life … at work, with friends. Let her know about your hopes and dreams.
* If there is something going on that bothers you, find a way to let her know rather than bottle it up and keep it inside.
* Be curious and inquisitive about your partner‘s life as well … and listen very carefully.

2 ounces of time alone together.
* Create your shelter and be alone together.
* Find a way to have a protected date every week, (even if you do not go anywhere).
* Develop a regular ritual each day where you spend a few minutes and just check in with each other.

1 ounce of sharing the load.
* Work together with housework and caring for the children.