Healing from Affairs

Check out our new resource and online counseling website, Healing from Affairs.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair. Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed. We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

Intimacy and Marriage: Keeping the Love Alive

We have been talking a lot in our household about intimacy, marriage and growing apart since the Gore’s announced their separation.

One of the things that we agree on is that we need to focus a lot on the nearly 40 years of Al and Tipper Gore’s good marriage as well as the dignified way that they seem to be ending this relationship.

It takes a lot of work and energy to maintain a healthy relationship through the stresses and trials that the Gore’s experienced. They survived serious challenges as parents, a couple and individuals and always handled them with dignity and grace.

Growing apart can be easy in any marriage. It can happen in even the best of them. When projects, careers and children demand attention … or seduce partners, it is hard to keep the thread of intimacy alive and vital.

Here are just 3 of our suggestions to maintain connection and intimacy, even in the busiest of times.

* Spend 20 minutes each day catching up on what has happened in each other’s lives. Make sure that your knowledge of your partner and his or her life is current, up-to-date.

* Share affirmations and positive feelings every day. Make sure to say “I love you” and talk about what you most appreciate about your spouse that day.

* Keep physical touch, sexual connection and romance alive on a regular basis. You will lose it if you do not use it.

Helping Adult Children Leave the Nest

Do you know what a “Yuckie is? This is the new word to describe adult children living at home: “Yuckie” = Young Unwitting Costly Kid.

Children become adults and leave the nest much later than ever before. The main reasons have to do with our current economy and the difficulty many have with housing and other living expenses.

Sometimes, adult children move home after being on their own for a while because of a divorce, loss of a job or other reasons.

Whatever causes the change, it is often difficult for the young adult as well as their parents. Often parents are retired or saving up and looking forward to retirement. Caring for their children … again … can be very costly.

We have some suggestion for families facing this dilemma and would welcome your thoughts and ideas.

For those who have already been out on their own, do not see returning home as the first best option.
Sometimes your adult child may just need help finding a cheaper place to live, a better idea of budgeting or even a short-term loan.

Don’t go into debt yourself
Continue to save for your own retirement. By all means, do not take out a loan for the children. Find ways to work with them … not for them

Teach your young adult about finances.
You may be willing to help them out of debt, but don’t just bail them out. Work our a repayment plan, either with money or increased responsibility.

Set clear expectations about the living arrangements.
Discuss household responsibilities, overnight arrangements with dates, what needs there are for sharing plans about when each of you will be home for meals, trips, etc.

Charge your young adult rent.
Rent can be a good thing, even if you decide to put it in a savings account for when your adult child leaves home.

Set a time limit.
It is NOT cruel to set a date when the arrangement will end. You may choose to extend the limit; however, it is better to make changes in the middle that are more flexible than to set deadlines when tension builds.

Stick to your guns.
It doesn’t help if you back down on your word. Your goal is to help your young adult become self-sufficient. Honor your promises and hold her to her promises. In the end, everyone will feel better about the arrangement.

Do you have ideas for what you have learned might work? Please share them with us.

Interested in reading more of our articles about retirement? Click here to check out our online counseling website. We have many articles there with lots of advice for different relationship dilemmas.

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Tip of the Week, May 31, 2009

Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together. Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time. Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time. As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

Conflict and Relationships: Predictors of Success

TV or no TV in bed?
Photo by Todd Turner



What makes some people “masters” with conflict?
How do they listen attentively and keep from being pulled in to fighting during the disagreement?
How are they able to handle the stress of an argument or disagreement calmly and rationally?
What can I do to develop those skills?

We will be writing about these today and in future blogs. Today we want to address the question of the characteristics that make people masters of conflict.

Some people are “masters” if the conflict does not affect them personally. Many lawyers are excellent in court but put them with someone that they are in a relationship with and they display the “fight or flight” response. So it is not just about being able to think quickly, it is also about being able to listen carefully and thoughtfully and respect the thoughts and rights of another (even if they ARE 10 years old.) while also standing up for yourself.

People who handle conflict are able to do the following:

* Keep themselves calm, or knows how to soothe him/herself, while listening to the other person’s point of view.
* Believe that the other person in the discussion has a right to her or his viewpoint and that, for them it feels “right” or correct.
* Is able to listen and verbally as well as nonverbally, let the other person know that they have heard them and understand their thoughts and feelings.
* Recognizes that, while they may hear and understand another’s side to an argument, they do not have to agree or even like what they have to say.
Recognize that others have rights and that their rights are just as important an any other person.
* Is able to stand up for him/herself and present their point clearly and directly.
* Is able to continue to share their own point of view even if they feel “bullied”.

Easier said than done? Check back with us and we will offer you some ideas for how you can put this into practice for yourself.

Tip of the Week, May 25, 2009

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.  ~Vicki Baum