Check out our Facebook Page

Check out our page on Facebook. We will have regular updates with articles, videos and helpful hints.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Online-Counseling/173754826800?created

Tip of the Week, May 31, 2009

Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together. Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time. Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time. As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

Conflict and Relationships: Predictors of Success

TV or no TV in bed?
Photo by Todd Turner



What makes some people “masters” with conflict?
How do they listen attentively and keep from being pulled in to fighting during the disagreement?
How are they able to handle the stress of an argument or disagreement calmly and rationally?
What can I do to develop those skills?

We will be writing about these today and in future blogs. Today we want to address the question of the characteristics that make people masters of conflict.

Some people are “masters” if the conflict does not affect them personally. Many lawyers are excellent in court but put them with someone that they are in a relationship with and they display the “fight or flight” response. So it is not just about being able to think quickly, it is also about being able to listen carefully and thoughtfully and respect the thoughts and rights of another (even if they ARE 10 years old.) while also standing up for yourself.

People who handle conflict are able to do the following:

* Keep themselves calm, or knows how to soothe him/herself, while listening to the other person’s point of view.
* Believe that the other person in the discussion has a right to her or his viewpoint and that, for them it feels “right” or correct.
* Is able to listen and verbally as well as nonverbally, let the other person know that they have heard them and understand their thoughts and feelings.
* Recognizes that, while they may hear and understand another’s side to an argument, they do not have to agree or even like what they have to say.
Recognize that others have rights and that their rights are just as important an any other person.
* Is able to stand up for him/herself and present their point clearly and directly.
* Is able to continue to share their own point of view even if they feel “bullied”.

Easier said than done? Check back with us and we will offer you some ideas for how you can put this into practice for yourself.

Tip of the Week, May 25, 2009

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them.  ~Vicki Baum

Tip of the Week, May 3, 2009

Your children get only one childhood.

Tip of the Week, April 27, 2009

Don’t audit life, show up and make the most of it now.

Do You Wonder If Someone You Love Depressed?

Is Someone You Love Depressed?

Living with someone who is depressed can look and sound very differently than what you would normally expect of a person suffering from depression. For some it may have more the appearance of anger and irritability. For others, it may seem like laziness or irresponsibility. While for others it may seem like a deep sadness with a lot of tears and sad, unhappy and negative talk.

Here are some questions for you to consider when thinking about someone you love who does not seem to be acting in ways that are healthy and positive.

* Has there been a change in sleep habits? Does your loved one sleep a lot more or a lot less than in the past?

* Has there been a marked change in his or her eating habits, eating a lot more and gaining weight or eating a lot less and losing weight?

* Does your loved one seem to be a lot more unhappy and negative and have difficulty recognizing the good things in life?

* Does he or she seem to have a lot of trouble with making decisions?

* Is your loved one more forgetful and seem to have difficulty concentrating?

* Do you notice frequent irritability or an underlying anger?

If you answer “yes” to several of these questions, the answer may be that your loved one is suffering from depression.

Some beginning things for you to consider as a way to be helpful are:

* Educate yourself about depression. Learning more about it may help you find ways to talk with the person you love about your concerns.

* Talk with them and acknowledge the positive things about him/her and your life together. Know that it may be hard to hear positive talk. You do not want to come off as “fake” so you will want to keep comments small, specific and behavioral like “Thanks for getting the children today.” “That color really looks nice on you.” “I appreciate your ideas about this and will absolutely use them.”

* Recognize that depression is not something one chooses and can readily change. It is not about being lazy or irresponsible and a “cure” does not happen overnight. Some live with sad or down times off and on throughout their life and will often struggle with and look for ways to cope with it effectively.

* Remind your loved one of things that they have done in the past to feel better and get through tough times. It may be that these same things will work once more.

* Take care of yourself to make sure that you, and your children, do not “catch” the depression. The “blues” and negativity can be contagious so you want to find ways to immunize yourself and prevent its spread.

* If your loved one will not talk with a therapist or the doctor, consider going yourself.

Do you have other ideas about what has been helpful for you? We welcome your comments and feedback.

“I knew couples who’d been married almost forever ­ forty, fifty, sixty years, seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling in each other’s faulty memories, dealing with the money troubles or the daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person. Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with her, put in a half century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better, and she’s become the right person. Or the only person, might be more to the point. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.”
Anne Tyler, "A Patchwork Planet"

Tip of the Week, April 12, 2009

We are never so vulnerable as when we are in love.
Sigmund Freud

Connecting: Men and Women Do It In Different Ways

Men and women view love, experience closeness, and derive comfort from intimacy in different ways. Men and women both value love and want a close, caring relationship and yet, there is generally a difference in the way they relate to intimacy.
Here are some of the ways that men and women feel loved and connected.

What Women Want:
Conversation. Talking about the day, the relationship, feelings … about each other and the life together.
Listen. When she talks, put down the remote or computer and pay attention to her. Ask questions that show you are interested in what she is saying and how she is feeling.
Advice only when asked. Even though men have a natural tendency to want to help solve problems, women just need to have someone who listens and is interested in what she is saying.
Affection. Women really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.
Love. Women want to be told that you love them in a way that is meaningful. This does not have to mean flowers and gifts. Rather it can be the words with a loving gaze.
Honesty. Women want someone that they can trust, who will be open with them and not “sugar-coat” reality. Women are stronger than men think and can often handle the truth and forgive more easily if they know what has happened.
Apologies. Women want men who are not afraid to say that they are sorry or made a mistake. They respect vulnerability.
Help. Women want men who are not afraid to help them with housework and children. One research study found that men who helped with housework and chores reported happier sex lives.


What Men Want:
A playmate. Men want someone who will be involved in activities with them.
Respect. Men want to feel like their partner values and respects them and show it in the way that they talk to and about them.
Affection. To the surprise of some women, men also really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.
Appreciation. Men need to feel appreciated and their efforts recognized, even for simple things like taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher.
Support. Men want someone that they can talk to and count on to be a shoulder to lean on. They do not want a lot of advice, just someone who lets them know that she is on his side. Men appreciate kindness and caretaking.
Sex. Men feel more connected during and after sex and often find that this leads the way to more conversation and affection.
Honesty. Men want women that they can trust to be open and direct with them.
Humor. Most men like someone who has a good sense of humor and a positive personality.
Appearance. Men, like women, have certain ideas about what is attractive to them. Certainly, women who take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, mentally and fiscally are important to most men.

Tip of the Week, April 5, 2009

“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone.”
Sandra Day O’Connor

Am I Anxious Or Do I Just Worry A Lot?

Sandy worries about her marriage and that her husband may find someone else more interesting or attractive, even though there is absolutely no reason to think that. Tina worries about her daughter and all of the possible problems that she might, and many that she might never, experience. John constantly expects to be fired by his boss.

While these might be normal concerns for some people, for Sandy, Tina and John they are worries that often keep them awake at night or cloud their thinking during the day.

Anxiety, in its simplest form, is useful because it helps people prepare for real or imagined fears, losses or difficult times ahead. When it becomes overwhelming, then it is time to think about doing something about it. Consider the possibility of talking with your doctor, especially if you have any physiological symptoms.

Medication may be the first thing that many people think about; however, if the anxiety is not crippling (losing work, school or a lot of sleep) then learning some anxiety management techniques might make a big difference and provide the opportunity to manage the worry on your own.

Here are some suggestions for things that you can try yourself.

Educate yourself about anxiety. There are quite a few good websites that have a lot of good information about anxiety, anxieties.com is one. Recognizing that some of what you experience is normal is a step towards finding ways to caring for yourself.

Slow down on any caffeine through coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. These substances increase your heart rate and affect ability to remain calm.

Find a way to incorporate 30 minutes of aerobic exercise into your daily routine 5-6 days a week. Research has shown many psychological benefits to raising and maintaining an elevated heart rate.

Practice deep breathing. Take slow, deep breaths and slowly let them out. Notice the relaxation in your body as you do so.

Put your fears down on paper and identify any that are irrational. Write replacement thoughts that are more realistic. Any time that you notice the irrational thought, change it to a more realistic one.

Shift your thinking from your body and your worry to other things. Take a walk, read a book, watch a movie, call a friend.

Develop some coping thoughts that you can use when these thoughts intrude into your mind like “I have made it through tough times before and I can make it through this.”

Stay in the present as much as possible. Pay attention to what you are seeing, hearing and smelling in the present.

Write in your Gratitude Journal every day. Put down three things that you like and really appreciate about your life just that day … and what you did to make a difference.

Can we help you more? Please contact us at Counseling Relationships Online.

Tip of the Week, March 29, 2009

Being the first one to listen in a disagreement is a great way to build trust.

Mastering Conflict: Stay In Charge Of Your Own “Buttons”

Are you able to stay with a disagreement and keep focused on the issue?
Do you find yourself having a hard time remaining calm?
Do you frequently take disagreements personally?
Do you find yourself reacting more strongly than you planned … maybe in response to old fights or old wounds?

Many people find that they have a hard time remaining calm and focused on one issue or problem when arguing or disagreeing with their spouse. Old “buttons” get pushed and it becomes hard to remain in the present. Feelings of hurt, disappointment, disrespect, being discounted or dismissed may emerge and lead to reactions and responses that have nothing to do with the issue at hand or to the gravity of the situation.

We all have to find ways to remain in charge of our own responses with our partners. This involves recognizing old tapes from relationships and patterns of the past that visit today. An awareness of old fears and hurts can be the first step toward helping to change this pattern.

Julia grew up with parents who had money to buy her lots of things; however, their time was limited and they had little interest in spending it with Julia. She developed the idea that she was not important and what was important to her, did not matter. Julia cannot remember any times that either her father or her mother showed up for school performances or even teacher’s conferences. Julia felt like she pretty much reared herself. When Julia and Troy fought, she often felt dismissed if he did not agree with her or her point of view. While she “knew” that he was entitled to have a different opinion, when he did, she felt discounted and it was not until she could tie that reaction to the frequent one that she received, the message that she often got from her parents of not being important, that Julia was able to calmly listen and talk with Troy when they disagreed.

Gerald’s dad had very high expectations of his son and Gerald was never able to meet those expectations. His father was highly critical, rarely positive or complimentary with Gerald. No matter how hard Gerald tried to please his dad, it never worked.

When Marcia had complaints about Gerald or something that he had done, Gerald would immediately become defensive and accuse her of being critical of everything that he did. He was unable to really hear Marcia, even when she was able to softly and gently ask for something different or try to talk about a problem. Gerald realized that he “heard” his father in all of Marcia’s complaints, even though they were very different. As he was able to separate his reactions from his relationship with his dad and his response to Marcia, he was able to talk with her about a present issue without revisiting the old “programmed in” responses.

Do you have “buttons” that get pushed from old past or wounds? Are you able to recognize them for what they are?

Please share your thoughts and ideas about this with us.

Tip of the Week, March 22, 2009

“Everyone of us wants to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.”
Princess Diana

Fighting Fairly: Avoid Triggering Your Partner

Questions: How can you fight fairly? I mean, conflict is conflict and it is important to clearly state your point and stand up for yourself, right?

What do you mean when you say: “avoid triggering your partner”? Everyone is responsible for his or her own reactions and responses, correct?

Answers: The answers are yes and yes. With a disagreement, it is important to stand up for yourself and state your point or opinion.

Being assertive means standing up for yourself while also respecting the rights of others. That’s different from being aggressive which often involves running over other people and their rights.

Most people who have regular disagreements with a partner or spouse, usually know what upsets or “sets off” their partner. It may be a comment about being just like their mother or a reminder of a past fight that has long been over but not forgotten. These remarks can be “dirty” and very unfair. When delivered, they are provocative and escalate fights.

While everyone is in charge of his or her own reactions … with words and with responses, take off the boxing gloves and put on the kid gloves. Treat your partner with love, tenderness and respect while also standing up for yourself and what is important to you.

Tip of the Week, March 14, 2009

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.
Irish Proverb

Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

Most couples find that their dance around a disagreement seems to have the same steps over and over again. It starts out the same way and often ends the same way with one or both partners feeling hurt, disappointed, discounted or angry,

Sharon and Bill fought a lot about money, children and household chores. The disagreements always began with Sharon’s request in what she thought was a friendly tone but Bill heard as a nagging tone. Bill’s response was generally a defensive one, complaining about her tone or the fact that she was always nagging him. Bill then often withdrew by leaving the house or turning on the television and Sharon became more angry, often following after him in an attempt to talk about the problem or come up with a solution.

Andy and Sue had a different dance. One of the frequent issues for them was intimacy. Sue was more interested in intimacy and sex than Andy. She would light candles, send text messages, schedule dates, only to find that Andy was not interested, busy, too tired or would say that he just did not feel “in the mood”. Sue would then feel hurt and disappointed and then angry.

If Sharon and Bill and Andy and Sue want to find a way to change this dance, they each have to find ways to recognize their own steps and change them.

For most people, it is hard to recognize your own “mistakes” and find new steps to the dance, and yet, that is the quickest way to resolution. It is much better to find ways to change yourself rather than trying to change another person. When one person changes, others do change in response.

Pay attention to your own last argument with your partner. Can you describe your “dance”? What about your own steps? Do you find that you are trying the same thing over and over again ? Are you getting the same results? It may be time to try something different.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your step might be … or a different way to dance, contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com and CouplesClinicofLouisville.com. We provide in-person and on-line therapy to help couples understand their dance and change their steps.

Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

Most couples find that their dance around a disagreement seems to have the same steps over and over again. It starts out the same way and often ends the same way with one or both partners feeling hurt, disappointed, discounted or angry,

Sharon and Bill fought a lot about money, children and household chores. The disagreements always began with Sharon’s request in what she thought was a friendly tone but Bill heard as a nagging tone. Bill’s response was generally a defensive one, complaining about her tone or the fact that she was always nagging him. Bill then often withdrew by leaving the house or turning on the television and Sharon became more angry, often following after him in an attempt to talk about the problem or come up with a solution.

Andy and Sue had a different dance. One of the frequent issues for them was intimacy. Sue was more interested in intimacy and sex than Andy. She would light candles, send text messages, schedule dates, only to find that Andy was not interested, busy, too tired or would say that he just did not feel “in the mood”. Sue would then feel hurt and disappointed and then angry.

If Sharon and Bill and Andy and Sue want to find a way to change this dance, they each have to find ways to recognize their own steps and change them.

For most people, it is hard to recognize your own “mistakes” and find new steps to the dance, and yet, that is the quickest way to resolution. It is much better to find ways to change yourself rather than trying to change another person. When one person changes, others do change in response.

Pay attention to your own last argument with your partner. Can you describe your “dance”? What about your own steps? Do you find that you are trying the same thing over and over again ? Are you getting the same results? It may be time to try something different.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your step might be … or a different way to dance, contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com and CouplesClinicofLouisville.com. We provide in-person and on-line therapy to help couples understand their dance and change their steps.

Tip of the Week, March 8, 2009

“If you don’t like the way something looks, change the way that you look at it.”
Wayne Dyer

Tip of the Week, March 1, 2009

"When the wind changes directions, there are those who build walls and there are those who build windmills."
Chinese saying

How Can People Stay “In Love” Throughout Their Marriage?

Most people who get married believe that they will stay in love forever … that nature will just take its course and spouses will continue to feel the wonderful love that they felt through the courtship and early marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Most people, in most marriages, find that they have times of feeling more in love than others and there are definitely times when they may not feel much love at all. It is also true that it is very easy to find yourself attracted to someone else … I mean, that is human nature to notice and appreciate others.

Those who recognize the “normal” gees and haws of marriage are more easily able to get past them quickly. Staying in love, seeing the positives in your partner and your marriage and focusing on them more than the bad helps keep the loving thoughts alive. Acting in loving ways with intimacy and fun, talking in nurturing and caring ways, all help as well. Here are some of our ideas about what you can do to help keep the love in your marriage.

Recognize that staying in love does not happen automatically. You cannot put it on autopilot. Keeping it has to be a priority in your marriage. It should not take a lot of work, but will require some effort.

Find a time or two during each day to think about your spouse, maybe look at a picture, and remember why you love him or her.

At the end of every day, talk together about three things that you really like and appreciate about each other and about the relationship.

Have regular rituals together where you celebrate your relationship and each other. These rituals may include lighting a candle and sharing a cup of tea every night after the children are in bed, a weekly date night, Sunday morning breakfast in bed. Rituals help to hold couples together.

Talk together about the future on a regular basis … both about the near future such as the weekend or a home project, a vacation that you want to take, etc. and also about far into the future as you think about retirement and growing old together.

Have a mind-set for yourself and a pact with your spouse that you want to stay in love and that all problems have a solution. Some may take a while to solve and some may require a professional “consultant” but together, you can figure anything out.

Tip of the Week, February 23, 2009

“To experience pain may not be a choice, but to suffer is a cognitive decision.”
Jill Bolte Taylor

Tip of the Week, February 15, 2009

Develop new and flattering nicknames for your partner.

It is Valentine’s Day and I am not in love … but I am married. How depressing is that!

While we think that Valentine’s Day is fun for those in a new and loving relationship, we know that it can be a very depressing day for those in unhappy relationships. Here are some tips to help you cope with this day.

Lower your expectations. This is not a time to hope for a big change in any relationship, let alone one that has been in a rough spot for some time. Try not to look for something special from your spouse because you have a good chance of being disappointed and hurt. Better not to set yourself up for that.

Find a way to love yourself. Remember that you are an important person who is worthy of love.

Do something nice for someone else, particularly someone who might be alone or sad. Send a card, make a call, give a box of candy or single flower to someone else who might be alone or lonely.

Make a careful decision about whether or not to do something for your spouse. Doing nothing because you are mad or hurt does not help you to feel better. Giving something because you hope to give something in return may set up disappointment. Choosing to give a card or small gift as a way of making a move toward your spouse may be a good idea. Whatever you choose to do, examine your motives and do it because it would feel right to you and not because you want something in return.

Be grateful for the good in your life. At the beginning of the day, write down 3 things that you like about yourself and your life. At the end of the day, make 3 entries in your Gratitude Journal. Write 3 things that you are grateful for on just that day.

25 Tips for Romance

1. Recreate your first date. Try to remember where you went, what you did, what you wore, what you ate, what you talked about. Re-create as closely as you can.

2. Put candy kisses in your sweetheart’s pockets, car, at the kitchen table, and leave a picture with a heart next to them.

3. Surprise is a wonderful way to bring back romance. Think of something that your partner really wants or would like to do … and get it or plan it.

4. Find something playful to do … swing on a swing set, play miniature golf, have a pillow fight, bring home the ingredients for “some mores” …

5. Leave love notes in unexpected places.

6. Have dinner alone and with candlelight using the best china and silver.

7. Come up with 25 reasons why you love your partner and write them out in a card or out them on small slips of paper in a box for him to open.

8. Look clearly into your partner’s eyes for a few seconds and, while holding that gaze, tell her how much you love her.

9. Find pet names for each other that express endearment and caring.

10. Give her flowers on each of your children’s birthdays.

11. Reminisce about how you fell in love. What were the first signals to you that this was a different relationship? When did you first notice that you were in love and when did you first say it out loud? What were some of the earliest things about your partner that you noticed and led to the feelings of love?

12. Listen to songs that were popular when you fell in love? Choose a song that is “your” song.

13. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date … every month.

14. Write in a journal on a regular basis with highlights of your life together. Read it together on your anniversary.

15. Watch a romantic old movie together like .. Casablanca, Marty, An Affair to Remember or Doctor Zhivago.

16. Take a bubble bath together.

17. Pack a picnic a find a spot where there are no other people around.

18. If you have young children and cannot get away easily, plan a special time after they are in bed. Light candles, put on music, fix something interesting to eat and drink. Think of two or three items of conversation that might reveal more to you about your partner like “What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Tell me all of the reasons you liked it.” or “What is your biggest dream, realistic or not?”

19. Talk about a couple, real or on the screen, that you really like and think of their relationship as very romantic. Talk about all of the reasons that make you think that. Is there anything that they do/have done that you could do?

20. Tell your partner 5 things that you love and appreciate about him. Give him all of the reasons that make you say that. Share one example of a time when she/he showed that quality.

Tip of the Week, February 9, 2009

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
John F. Kennedy
Ask not what your relationship can do for you. Ask what you can do for your relationship.

Showing Love and Feeling Loved: Are They The Same?

Jane really feels loved when Tim talks to her about his day and asks about her day. Just finding time to put down the paper, turn off the television and sit with her for a few minutes lets her know that Tim really cares.

Tim feels loved when Jane does things with him. When Jane makes the plans and invites him to a movie or to play tennis, he really feels loved and cared for.

Zack feels love when Cindy cuddles with him on the couch while they are watching a movie or takes his hand while they are going for a walk.

Cindy really feels loved when Zack brings home a simple flower or her favorite chocolate bar. For her, it is not the cost, it is the idea that he has thought about her and found something that says “I love you. You are important to me.”

Expressing and feeling love is different for different people. Finding out from your sweetheart what feels like love to him or her is important rather than giving love in the way that you want. Jane may appreciate Tim inviting her to do things and really enjoy the opportunity, but would really feel more loved by his giving her a coupon for 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation every night.

Listen and learn from your partner about what is important to them and what makes them feel loved. Some of the most common ways are:

Time: finding time in the day or night to spend together, even in the craziness of a busy life.
Attention: actively listening and remembering what is happening.
Conversation: talking out loud about your day, hopes, dreams and asking about your partner’s.
Gifts: even the smallest token of acknowledgement is very important to some.
Physical affection: hugs, kisses, touches along with making love.
Activities: doing things together feels like love to many. This is often what men miss most.
Affirmations: recognition and acknowledgment of what you notice that is good and what you really appreciate.

Tip of the Week, February 2, 2009

Appreciate the small things.

Tip of the Week, January 26, 2009

If you point a finger, you have three fingers pointing back at you.
Source Unknown

Tip of the Week, January 19, 2009

Soul mates are not found, they are made.

Dating Advice: What Are Some Things I Should Look For In Choosing a Partner?

So, what are some of the things to count in and count out when looking for someone to date? Remember, in choosing someone with whom to partner, it is important not to look for someone who might want you; but rather, someone that you think can be a mature, healthy fit for you.


Maturity
Has your new interest been able to hold on to a job for a while, have healthy relationships with friends and family or be able to explain honestly some of his or her decisions about distance or disruption in a relationship? Is he or she able to be nurturing and supportive? Does he/she struggle with “old baggage”?

Values
While you may be of different political perspectives, can you respect the differences? Are they too large? Do you believe that your partner is honest and has integrity? What about spirituality? Is he/she a loyal person? Responsible? Trustworthy?

Money
Is your new interest able to handle money effectively? Is debt appropriate for his or her status? (Student loans are a lot different than a large credit card balance.) What do you notice about how he or she handles money when you are together?

Interests and Lifestyle
Do you have things in common? Like similar music interests? Activities? Hobbies? What about social activities, do you both enjoy generally the same level of activity with others? Does one of you really like to be out and about while the other is more of a “homebody”?

Education and Intelligence
Do you have similar educational backgrounds? Relationships work best when there is similarity although it certainly does not have to be equal. It is also best when intelligence is similar. It enhances conversation and interests.

Marriage
What does your interest think about marriage? What are his/her thoughts about roles for a husband and wife? What about children? If he/she could describe an ideal marriage, what would it be?

Appearance
While beauty is only skin deep, there are also some physical characteristics to consider. Certainly, physical attraction is one of the first things that you notice but, in the long run, some aspects may remain important. Is being “fit” important to you? Are neatness or stylish dressing important to you?

Tip of the Week, January 12, 2009

Studies have shown that people who actually write their goals have a better chance of achieving them.

For Singles: How Ready Are You For An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?

Consider these questions and answer them honestly about yourself to determine if you know how to be part of an emotionally intelligent and healthy relationship. Think about friends and especially about those you date as a way of determining if they are able to be part of a healthy relationship with you.

1. I am able to communicate my needs in a relationship with others.
2. I am able to listen well and resist giving unsolicited advice.
3. I am able to say “no” when I need to.
4. I can be clear about preferences for closeness or distance in friendships/relationships.
5. While I do not consider myself to be one who likes conflict, I am able to talk about disagreements and remain in the discussion.
6. I know how to calm and soothe myself in a stressful or conflictual situation.
7. I know what “healthy boundaries” are and I am able to respect my own and those of others.
8. I am able to be nurturing and allow nurturing in a relationship.
9. I am able to reach out and repair a friendship/relationship with words and actions when it is needed.
10. I have identified characteristics in a partner that are important and I am able to end relationships (get out of ones that are not healthy) when I need to do that.
11. When there are differences in the kind of partner who attracts me and the kind of partner who fits with my values and life, I am able to make the distinction and make choices that are healthy for me.
12. I have made decisions about what part I want sex to play in a relationship and can communicate those clearly and stand by them with my partner.
13. I have a good sense of humor.
14. I know how to say “I am sorry”.

If you can answer “yes” to 12 out of 14, congratulate yourself on your emotional intelligence and seek dating partners and friends who reflect these characteristics as well.

Tip of the Week, January 5, 2009

The higher the expectations, the lower the peace.
Alcoholics Anonymous