Retirement Relationships

Healing from Affairs

2010-06-22T07:15:00.000-07:00

Check out our new resource and online counseling website, Healing from Affairs.

We decided to develop this website because we have so many couples that we meet who have been impacted by an affair. Healing is never easy but, if couples move through it with thoughtfulness and respect for each other, most marriages do recover and can even grow stronger.

Yes, there are many painful thoughts and feelings that this engenders in couples … certainly for the one betrayed but also for the one who betrayed. We hope that this can become an opportunity for learning and sharing issues, concerns and even successes.

Intimacy and Marriage: Keeping the Love Alive

2010-06-13T02:37:00.000-07:00

We have been talking a lot in our household about intimacy, marriage and growing apart since the Gore’s announced their separation.

One of the things that we agree on is that we need to focus a lot on the nearly 40 years of Al and Tipper Gore’s good marriage as well as the dignified way that they seem to be ending this relationship.

It takes a lot of work and energy to maintain a healthy relationship through the stresses and trials that the Gore’s experienced. They survived serious challenges as parents, a couple and individuals and always handled them with dignity and grace.

Growing apart can be easy in any marriage. It can happen in even the best of them. When projects, careers and children demand attention … or seduce partners, it is hard to keep the thread of intimacy alive and vital.

Here are just 3 of our suggestions to maintain connection and intimacy, even in the busiest of times.

* Spend 20 minutes each day catching up on what has happened in each other’s lives. Make sure that your knowledge of your partner and his or her life is current, up-to-date.

* Share affirmations and positive feelings every day. Make sure to say “I love you” and talk about what you most appreciate about your spouse that day.

* Keep physical touch, sexual connection and romance alive on a regular basis. You will lose it if you do not use it.

Helping Adult Children Leave the Nest

2010-04-11T12:05:00.000-07:00

Do you know what a “Yuckie is? This is the new word to describe adult children living at home: “Yuckie” = Young Unwitting Costly Kid.

Children become adults and leave the nest much later than ever before. The main reasons have to do with our current economy and the difficulty many have with housing and other living expenses.

Sometimes, adult children move home after being on their own for a while because of a divorce, loss of a job or other reasons.

Whatever causes the change, it is often difficult for the young adult as well as their parents. Often parents are retired or saving up and looking forward to retirement. Caring for their children … again … can be very costly.

We have some suggestion for families facing this dilemma and would welcome your thoughts and ideas.

For those who have already been out on their own, do not see returning home as the first best option.
Sometimes your adult child may just need help finding a cheaper place to live, a better idea of budgeting or even a short-term loan.

Don’t go into debt yourself
Continue to save for your own retirement. By all means, do not take out a loan for the children. Find ways to work with them … not for them

Teach your young adult about finances.
You may be willing to help them out of debt, but don’t just bail them out. Work our a repayment plan, either with money or increased responsibility.

Set clear expectations about the living arrangements.
Discuss household responsibilities, overnight arrangements with dates, what needs there are for sharing plans about when each of you will be home for meals, trips, etc.

Charge your young adult rent.
Rent can be a good thing, even if you decide to put it in a savings account for when your adult child leaves home.

Set a time limit.
It is NOT cruel to set a date when the arrangement will end. You may choose to extend the limit; however, it is better to make changes in the middle that are more flexible than to set deadlines when tension builds.

Stick to your guns.
It doesn’t help if you back down on your word. Your goal is to help your young adult become self-sufficient. Honor your promises and hold her to her promises. In the end, everyone will feel better about the arrangement.

Do you have ideas for what you have learned might work? Please share them with us.

Interested in reading more of our articles about retirement? Click here to check out our online counseling website. We have many articles there with lots of advice for different relationship dilemmas.

Check out our Facebook Page

2009-11-03T10:38:00.000-08:00

Check out our page on Facebook. We will have regular updates with articles, videos and helpful hints.
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Online-Counseling/173754826800?created

Tip of the Week, May 31, 2009

2009-05-31T13:55:00.000-07:00

Remember when … Look at a picture, watch a video, remember a happier time together. Revisit all of the good memories and talk about what happened then … what each of you did to help make that a special time. Dissect what you did and what you most appreciated about your partner and what he or she did that made that a special time. As you notice softer, kinder and better feelings slowly come. Talk about how to keep them alive in the present.

Conflict and Relationships: Predictors of Success

2009-05-27T05:58:00.000-07:00

TV or no TV in bed?
Photo by Todd Turner

What makes some people “masters” with conflict?
How do they listen attentively and keep from being pulled in to fighting during the disagreement?
How are they able to handle the stress of an argument or disagreement calmly and rationally?
What can I do to develop those skills?

We will be writing about these today and in future blogs. Today we want to address the question of the characteristics that make people masters of conflict.

Some people are “masters” if the conflict does not affect them personally. Many lawyers are excellent in court but put them with someone that they are in a relationship with and they display the “fight or flight” response. So it is not just about being able to think quickly, it is also about being able to listen carefully and thoughtfully and respect the thoughts and rights of another (even if they ARE 10 years old.) while also standing up for yourself.

People who handle conflict are able to do the following:

* Keep themselves calm, or knows how to soothe him/herself, while listening to the other person’s point of view.
* Believe that the other person in the discussion has a right to her or his viewpoint and that, for them it feels “right” or correct.
* Is able to listen and verbally as well as nonverbally, let the other person know that they have heard them and understand their thoughts and feelings.
* Recognizes that, while they may hear and understand another’s side to an argument, they do not have to agree or even like what they have to say.
Recognize that others have rights and that their rights are just as important an any other person.
* Is able to stand up for him/herself and present their point clearly and directly.
* Is able to continue to share their own point of view even if they feel “bullied”.

Easier said than done? Check back with us and we will offer you some ideas for how you can put this into practice for yourself.

Tip of the Week, May 25, 2009

2009-05-24T11:31:00.001-07:00

There are short-cuts to happiness, and dancing is one of them. ~Vicki Baum

Tip of the Week, May 3, 2009

2009-05-03T13:38:00.000-07:00

Your children get only one childhood.

Tip of the Week, April 27, 2009

2009-04-26T09:40:00.001-07:00

Don’t audit life, show up and make the most of it now.

Do You Wonder If Someone You Love Depressed?

2009-04-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

Is Someone You Love Depressed?

Living with someone who is depressed can look and sound very differently than what you would normally expect of a person suffering from depression. For some it may have more the appearance of anger and irritability. For others, it may seem like laziness or irresponsibility. While for others it may seem like a deep sadness with a lot of tears and sad, unhappy and negative talk.

Here are some questions for you to consider when thinking about someone you love who does not seem to be acting in ways that are healthy and positive.

* Has there been a change in sleep habits? Does your loved one sleep a lot more or a lot less than in the past?

* Has there been a marked change in his or her eating habits, eating a lot more and gaining weight or eating a lot less and losing weight?

* Does your loved one seem to be a lot more unhappy and negative and have difficulty recognizing the good things in life?

* Does he or she seem to have a lot of trouble with making decisions?

* Is your loved one more forgetful and seem to have difficulty concentrating?

* Do you notice frequent irritability or an underlying anger?

If you answer “yes” to several of these questions, the answer may be that your loved one is suffering from depression.

Some beginning things for you to consider as a way to be helpful are:

* Educate yourself about depression. Learning more about it may help you find ways to talk with the person you love about your concerns.

* Talk with them and acknowledge the positive things about him/her and your life together. Know that it may be hard to hear positive talk. You do not want to come off as “fake” so you will want to keep comments small, specific and behavioral like “Thanks for getting the children today.” “That color really looks nice on you.” “I appreciate your ideas about this and will absolutely use them.”

* Recognize that depression is not something one chooses and can readily change. It is not about being lazy or irresponsible and a “cure” does not happen overnight. Some live with sad or down times off and on throughout their life and will often struggle with and look for ways to cope with it effectively.

* Remind your loved one of things that they have done in the past to feel better and get through tough times. It may be that these same things will work once more.

* Take care of yourself to make sure that you, and your children, do not “catch” the depression. The “blues” and negativity can be contagious so you want to find ways to immunize yourself and prevent its spread.

* If your loved one will not talk with a therapist or the doctor, consider going yourself.

Do you have other ideas about what has been helpful for you? We welcome your comments and feedback.

2009-04-19T09:30:00.001-07:00

“I knew couples who’d been married almost forever forty, fifty, sixty years, seventy-two, in one case. They’d be tending each other’s illnesses, filling in each other’s faulty memories, dealing with the money troubles or the daughter’s suicide, or the grandson’s drug addiction. And I was beginning to suspect that it made no difference whether they’d married the right person. Finally, you’re just with who you’re with. You’ve signed on with her, put in a half century with her, grown to know her as well as you know yourself or even better, and she’s become the right person. Or the only person, might be more to the point. I wish someone had told me that earlier. I’d have hung on then; I swear I would.”
Anne Tyler, "A Patchwork Planet"

Tip of the Week, April 12, 2009

2009-04-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

We are never so vulnerable as when we are in love.
Sigmund Freud

Connecting: Men and Women Do It In Different Ways

2009-04-07T11:33:00.000-07:00

Men and women view love, experience closeness, and derive comfort from intimacy in different ways. Men and women both value love and want a close, caring relationship and yet, there is generally a difference in the way they relate to intimacy.
Here are some of the ways that men and women feel loved and connected.

What Women Want:
Conversation. Talking about the day, the relationship, feelings … about each other and the life together.
Listen. When she talks, put down the remote or computer and pay attention to her. Ask questions that show you are interested in what she is saying and how she is feeling.
Advice only when asked. Even though men have a natural tendency to want to help solve problems, women just need to have someone who listens and is interested in what she is saying.
Affection. Women really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.
Love. Women want to be told that you love them in a way that is meaningful. This does not have to mean flowers and gifts. Rather it can be the words with a loving gaze.
Honesty. Women want someone that they can trust, who will be open with them and not “sugar-coat” reality. Women are stronger than men think and can often handle the truth and forgive more easily if they know what has happened.
Apologies. Women want men who are not afraid to say that they are sorry or made a mistake. They respect vulnerability.
Help. Women want men who are not afraid to help them with housework and children. One research study found that men who helped with housework and chores reported happier sex lives.

What Men Want:
A playmate. Men want someone who will be involved in activities with them.
Respect. Men want to feel like their partner values and respects them and show it in the way that they talk to and about them.
Affection. To the surprise of some women, men also really like physical and non-sexual signs of affection like holding hands, kissing gently and warm hugs.
Appreciation. Men need to feel appreciated and their efforts recognized, even for simple things like taking out the trash or emptying the dishwasher.
Support. Men want someone that they can talk to and count on to be a shoulder to lean on. They do not want a lot of advice, just someone who lets them know that she is on his side. Men appreciate kindness and caretaking.
Sex. Men feel more connected during and after sex and often find that this leads the way to more conversation and affection.
Honesty. Men want women that they can trust to be open and direct with them.
Humor. Most men like someone who has a good sense of humor and a positive personality.
Appearance. Men, like women, have certain ideas about what is attractive to them. Certainly, women who take care of themselves, physically, emotionally, mentally and fiscally are important to most men.

Tip of the Week, April 5, 2009

2009-04-05T10:57:00.000-07:00

“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone.”
Sandra Day O’Connor

Am I Anxious Or Do I Just Worry A Lot?

2009-04-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sandy worries about her marriage and that her husband may find someone else more interesting or attractive, even though there is absolutely no reason to think that. Tina worries about her daughter and all of the possible problems that she might, and many that she might never, experience. John constantly expects to be fired by his boss.

While these might be normal concerns for some people, for Sandy, Tina and John they are worries that often keep them awake at night or cloud their thinking during the day.

Anxiety, in its simplest form, is useful because it helps people prepare for real or imagined fears, losses or difficult times ahead. When it becomes overwhelming, then it is time to think about doing something about it. Consider the possibility of talking with your doctor, especially if you have any physiological symptoms.

Medication may be the first thing that many people think about; however, if the anxiety is not crippling (losing work, school or a lot of sleep) then learning some anxiety management techniques might make a big difference and provide the opportunity to manage the worry on your own.

Here are some suggestions for things that you can try yourself.

Educate yourself about anxiety. There are quite a few good websites that have a lot of good information about anxiety, anxieties.com is one. Recognizing that some of what you experience is normal is a step towards finding ways to caring for yourself.

Slow down on any caffeine through coffee, tea, chocolate, etc. These substances increase your heart rate and affect ability to remain calm.

Find a way to incorporate 30 minutes of aerobic exercise into your daily routine 5-6 days a week. Research has shown many psychological benefits to raising and maintaining an elevated heart rate.

Practice deep breathing. Take slow, deep breaths and slowly let them out. Notice the relaxation in your body as you do so.

Put your fears down on paper and identify any that are irrational. Write replacement thoughts that are more realistic. Any time that you notice the irrational thought, change it to a more realistic one.

Shift your thinking from your body and your worry to other things. Take a walk, read a book, watch a movie, call a friend.

Develop some coping thoughts that you can use when these thoughts intrude into your mind like “I have made it through tough times before and I can make it through this.”

Stay in the present as much as possible. Pay attention to what you are seeing, hearing and smelling in the present.

Write in your Gratitude Journal every day. Put down three things that you like and really appreciate about your life just that day … and what you did to make a difference.

Can we help you more? Please contact us at Counseling Relationships Online.

Tip of the Week, March 29, 2009

2009-03-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Being the first one to listen in a disagreement is a great way to build trust.

Mastering Conflict: Stay In Charge Of Your Own “Buttons”

2009-03-25T16:44:00.000-07:00

Are you able to stay with a disagreement and keep focused on the issue?
Do you find yourself having a hard time remaining calm?
Do you frequently take disagreements personally?
Do you find yourself reacting more strongly than you planned … maybe in response to old fights or old wounds?

Many people find that they have a hard time remaining calm and focused on one issue or problem when arguing or disagreeing with their spouse. Old “buttons” get pushed and it becomes hard to remain in the present. Feelings of hurt, disappointment, disrespect, being discounted or dismissed may emerge and lead to reactions and responses that have nothing to do with the issue at hand or to the gravity of the situation.

We all have to find ways to remain in charge of our own responses with our partners. This involves recognizing old tapes from relationships and patterns of the past that visit today. An awareness of old fears and hurts can be the first step toward helping to change this pattern.

Julia grew up with parents who had money to buy her lots of things; however, their time was limited and they had little interest in spending it with Julia. She developed the idea that she was not important and what was important to her, did not matter. Julia cannot remember any times that either her father or her mother showed up for school performances or even teacher’s conferences. Julia felt like she pretty much reared herself. When Julia and Troy fought, she often felt dismissed if he did not agree with her or her point of view. While she “knew” that he was entitled to have a different opinion, when he did, she felt discounted and it was not until she could tie that reaction to the frequent one that she received, the message that she often got from her parents of not being important, that Julia was able to calmly listen and talk with Troy when they disagreed.

Gerald’s dad had very high expectations of his son and Gerald was never able to meet those expectations. His father was highly critical, rarely positive or complimentary with Gerald. No matter how hard Gerald tried to please his dad, it never worked.

When Marcia had complaints about Gerald or something that he had done, Gerald would immediately become defensive and accuse her of being critical of everything that he did. He was unable to really hear Marcia, even when she was able to softly and gently ask for something different or try to talk about a problem. Gerald realized that he “heard” his father in all of Marcia’s complaints, even though they were very different. As he was able to separate his reactions from his relationship with his dad and his response to Marcia, he was able to talk with her about a present issue without revisiting the old “programmed in” responses.

Do you have “buttons” that get pushed from old past or wounds? Are you able to recognize them for what they are?

Please share your thoughts and ideas about this with us.

Tip of the Week, March 22, 2009

2009-03-22T13:46:00.001-07:00

“Everyone of us wants to show how much we care for each other and, in the process, care for ourselves.”
Princess Diana

Fighting Fairly: Avoid Triggering Your Partner

2009-03-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

Questions: How can you fight fairly? I mean, conflict is conflict and it is important to clearly state your point and stand up for yourself, right?

What do you mean when you say: “avoid triggering your partner”? Everyone is responsible for his or her own reactions and responses, correct?

Answers: The answers are yes and yes. With a disagreement, it is important to stand up for yourself and state your point or opinion.

Being assertive means standing up for yourself while also respecting the rights of others. That’s different from being aggressive which often involves running over other people and their rights.

Most people who have regular disagreements with a partner or spouse, usually know what upsets or “sets off” their partner. It may be a comment about being just like their mother or a reminder of a past fight that has long been over but not forgotten. These remarks can be “dirty” and very unfair. When delivered, they are provocative and escalate fights.

While everyone is in charge of his or her own reactions … with words and with responses, take off the boxing gloves and put on the kid gloves. Treat your partner with love, tenderness and respect while also standing up for yourself and what is important to you.

Tip of the Week, March 14, 2009

2009-03-15T10:16:00.001-07:00

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been
the foresight to know where you're going
and the insight to know when you're going too far.
Irish Proverb

Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

2009-03-11T07:47:00.001-07:00

Most couples find that their dance around a disagreement seems to have the same steps over and over again. It starts out the same way and often ends the same way with one or both partners feeling hurt, disappointed, discounted or angry,

Sharon and Bill fought a lot about money, children and household chores. The disagreements always began with Sharon’s request in what she thought was a friendly tone but Bill heard as a nagging tone. Bill’s response was generally a defensive one, complaining about her tone or the fact that she was always nagging him. Bill then often withdrew by leaving the house or turning on the television and Sharon became more angry, often following after him in an attempt to talk about the problem or come up with a solution.

Andy and Sue had a different dance. One of the frequent issues for them was intimacy. Sue was more interested in intimacy and sex than Andy. She would light candles, send text messages, schedule dates, only to find that Andy was not interested, busy, too tired or would say that he just did not feel “in the mood”. Sue would then feel hurt and disappointed and then angry.

If Sharon and Bill and Andy and Sue want to find a way to change this dance, they each have to find ways to recognize their own steps and change them.

For most people, it is hard to recognize your own “mistakes” and find new steps to the dance, and yet, that is the quickest way to resolution. It is much better to find ways to change yourself rather than trying to change another person. When one person changes, others do change in response.

Pay attention to your own last argument with your partner. Can you describe your “dance”? What about your own steps? Do you find that you are trying the same thing over and over again ? Are you getting the same results? It may be time to try something different.

If you are having trouble figuring out what your step might be … or a different way to dance, contact us at CounselingRelationshipsOnline.com and CouplesClinicofLouisville.com. We provide in-person and on-line therapy to help couples understand their dance and change their steps.

Conflict: The Dance of Disagreement

2009-03-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

Tip of the Week, March 8, 2009

2009-03-06T16:10:00.001-08:00

“If you don’t like the way something looks, change the way that you look at it.”
Wayne Dyer

Tip of the Week, March 1, 2009

2009-03-01T11:28:00.000-08:00

"When the wind changes directions, there are those who build walls and there are those who build windmills."
Chinese saying

How Can People Stay “In Love” Throughout Their Marriage?

2009-02-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

Most people who get married believe that they will stay in love forever … that nature will just take its course and spouses will continue to feel the wonderful love that they felt through the courtship and early marriage. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Most people, in most marriages, find that they have times of feeling more in love than others and there are definitely times when they may not feel much love at all. It is also true that it is very easy to find yourself attracted to someone else … I mean, that is human nature to notice and appreciate others.

Those who recognize the “normal” gees and haws of marriage are more easily able to get past them quickly. Staying in love, seeing the positives in your partner and your marriage and focusing on them more than the bad helps keep the loving thoughts alive. Acting in loving ways with intimacy and fun, talking in nurturing and caring ways, all help as well. Here are some of our ideas about what you can do to help keep the love in your marriage.

Recognize that staying in love does not happen automatically. You cannot put it on autopilot. Keeping it has to be a priority in your marriage. It should not take a lot of work, but will require some effort.

Find a time or two during each day to think about your spouse, maybe look at a picture, and remember why you love him or her.

At the end of every day, talk together about three things that you really like and appreciate about each other and about the relationship.

Have regular rituals together where you celebrate your relationship and each other. These rituals may include lighting a candle and sharing a cup of tea every night after the children are in bed, a weekly date night, Sunday morning breakfast in bed. Rituals help to hold couples together.

Talk together about the future on a regular basis … both about the near future such as the weekend or a home project, a vacation that you want to take, etc. and also about far into the future as you think about retirement and growing old together.

Have a mind-set for yourself and a pact with your spouse that you want to stay in love and that all problems have a solution. Some may take a while to solve and some may require a professional “consultant” but together, you can figure anything out.

Tip of the Week, February 23, 2009

2009-02-22T13:20:00.000-08:00

“To experience pain may not be a choice, but to suffer is a cognitive decision.”
Jill Bolte Taylor

Tip of the Week, February 15, 2009

2009-02-14T06:19:00.001-08:00

Develop new and flattering nicknames for your partner.

It is Valentine’s Day and I am not in love … but I am married. How depressing is that!

2009-02-11T13:23:00.000-08:00

While we think that Valentine’s Day is fun for those in a new and loving relationship, we know that it can be a very depressing day for those in unhappy relationships. Here are some tips to help you cope with this day.

Lower your expectations. This is not a time to hope for a big change in any relationship, let alone one that has been in a rough spot for some time. Try not to look for something special from your spouse because you have a good chance of being disappointed and hurt. Better not to set yourself up for that.

Find a way to love yourself. Remember that you are an important person who is worthy of love.

Do something nice for someone else, particularly someone who might be alone or sad. Send a card, make a call, give a box of candy or single flower to someone else who might be alone or lonely.

Make a careful decision about whether or not to do something for your spouse. Doing nothing because you are mad or hurt does not help you to feel better. Giving something because you hope to give something in return may set up disappointment. Choosing to give a card or small gift as a way of making a move toward your spouse may be a good idea. Whatever you choose to do, examine your motives and do it because it would feel right to you and not because you want something in return.

Be grateful for the good in your life. At the beginning of the day, write down 3 things that you like about yourself and your life. At the end of the day, make 3 entries in your Gratitude Journal. Write 3 things that you are grateful for on just that day.

25 Tips for Romance

2009-02-09T09:40:00.001-08:00

1. Recreate your first date. Try to remember where you went, what you did, what you wore, what you ate, what you talked about. Re-create as closely as you can.

2. Put candy kisses in your sweetheart’s pockets, car, at the kitchen table, and leave a picture with a heart next to them.

3. Surprise is a wonderful way to bring back romance. Think of something that your partner really wants or would like to do … and get it or plan it.

4. Find something playful to do … swing on a swing set, play miniature golf, have a pillow fight, bring home the ingredients for “some mores” …

5. Leave love notes in unexpected places.

6. Have dinner alone and with candlelight using the best china and silver.

7. Come up with 25 reasons why you love your partner and write them out in a card or out them on small slips of paper in a box for him to open.

8. Look clearly into your partner’s eyes for a few seconds and, while holding that gaze, tell her how much you love her.

9. Find pet names for each other that express endearment and caring.

10. Give her flowers on each of your children’s birthdays.

11. Reminisce about how you fell in love. What were the first signals to you that this was a different relationship? When did you first notice that you were in love and when did you first say it out loud? What were some of the earliest things about your partner that you noticed and led to the feelings of love?

12. Listen to songs that were popular when you fell in love? Choose a song that is “your” song.

13. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date … every month.

14. Write in a journal on a regular basis with highlights of your life together. Read it together on your anniversary.

15. Watch a romantic old movie together like .. Casablanca, Marty, An Affair to Remember or Doctor Zhivago.

16. Take a bubble bath together.

17. Pack a picnic a find a spot where there are no other people around.

18. If you have young children and cannot get away easily, plan a special time after they are in bed. Light candles, put on music, fix something interesting to eat and drink. Think of two or three items of conversation that might reveal more to you about your partner like “What was your favorite thing to do as a child? Tell me all of the reasons you liked it.” or “What is your biggest dream, realistic or not?”

19. Talk about a couple, real or on the screen, that you really like and think of their relationship as very romantic. Talk about all of the reasons that make you think that. Is there anything that they do/have done that you could do?

20. Tell your partner 5 things that you love and appreciate about him. Give him all of the reasons that make you say that. Share one example of a time when she/he showed that quality.

Tip of the Week, February 9, 2009

2009-02-08T10:29:00.001-08:00

“Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.”
John F. Kennedy
Ask not what your relationship can do for you. Ask what you can do for your relationship.

Showing Love and Feeling Loved: Are They The Same?

2009-02-06T07:21:00.001-08:00

Jane really feels loved when Tim talks to her about his day and asks about her day. Just finding time to put down the paper, turn off the television and sit with her for a few minutes lets her know that Tim really cares.

Tim feels loved when Jane does things with him. When Jane makes the plans and invites him to a movie or to play tennis, he really feels loved and cared for.

Zack feels love when Cindy cuddles with him on the couch while they are watching a movie or takes his hand while they are going for a walk.

Cindy really feels loved when Zack brings home a simple flower or her favorite chocolate bar. For her, it is not the cost, it is the idea that he has thought about her and found something that says “I love you. You are important to me.”

Expressing and feeling love is different for different people. Finding out from your sweetheart what feels like love to him or her is important rather than giving love in the way that you want. Jane may appreciate Tim inviting her to do things and really enjoy the opportunity, but would really feel more loved by his giving her a coupon for 20 minutes of uninterrupted conversation every night.

Listen and learn from your partner about what is important to them and what makes them feel loved. Some of the most common ways are:

Time: finding time in the day or night to spend together, even in the craziness of a busy life.
Attention: actively listening and remembering what is happening.
Conversation: talking out loud about your day, hopes, dreams and asking about your partner’s.
Gifts: even the smallest token of acknowledgement is very important to some.
Physical affection: hugs, kisses, touches along with making love.
Activities: doing things together feels like love to many. This is often what men miss most.
Affirmations: recognition and acknowledgment of what you notice that is good and what you really appreciate.

Tip of the Week, February 2, 2009

2009-02-01T16:16:00.001-08:00

Appreciate the small things.

Tip of the Week, January 26, 2009

2009-01-25T11:18:00.001-08:00

If you point a finger, you have three fingers pointing back at you.
Source Unknown

Tip of the Week, January 19, 2009

2009-01-19T05:07:00.001-08:00

Soul mates are not found, they are made.

Dating Advice: What Are Some Things I Should Look For In Choosing a Partner?

2009-01-14T16:42:00.001-08:00

So, what are some of the things to count in and count out when looking for someone to date? Remember, in choosing someone with whom to partner, it is important not to look for someone who might want you; but rather, someone that you think can be a mature, healthy fit for you.

Maturity
Has your new interest been able to hold on to a job for a while, have healthy relationships with friends and family or be able to explain honestly some of his or her decisions about distance or disruption in a relationship? Is he or she able to be nurturing and supportive? Does he/she struggle with “old baggage”?

Values
While you may be of different political perspectives, can you respect the differences? Are they too large? Do you believe that your partner is honest and has integrity? What about spirituality? Is he/she a loyal person? Responsible? Trustworthy?

Money
Is your new interest able to handle money effectively? Is debt appropriate for his or her status? (Student loans are a lot different than a large credit card balance.) What do you notice about how he or she handles money when you are together?

Interests and Lifestyle
Do you have things in common? Like similar music interests? Activities? Hobbies? What about social activities, do you both enjoy generally the same level of activity with others? Does one of you really like to be out and about while the other is more of a “homebody”?

Education and Intelligence
Do you have similar educational backgrounds? Relationships work best when there is similarity although it certainly does not have to be equal. It is also best when intelligence is similar. It enhances conversation and interests.

Marriage
What does your interest think about marriage? What are his/her thoughts about roles for a husband and wife? What about children? If he/she could describe an ideal marriage, what would it be?

Appearance
While beauty is only skin deep, there are also some physical characteristics to consider. Certainly, physical attraction is one of the first things that you notice but, in the long run, some aspects may remain important. Is being “fit” important to you? Are neatness or stylish dressing important to you?

Tip of the Week, January 12, 2009

2009-01-11T12:42:00.001-08:00

Studies have shown that people who actually write their goals have a better chance of achieving them.

For Singles: How Ready Are You For An Emotionally Intelligent Relationship?

2009-01-05T11:58:00.000-08:00

Consider these questions and answer them honestly about yourself to determine if you know how to be part of an emotionally intelligent and healthy relationship. Think about friends and especially about those you date as a way of determining if they are able to be part of a healthy relationship with you.

1. I am able to communicate my needs in a relationship with others.
2. I am able to listen well and resist giving unsolicited advice.
3. I am able to say “no” when I need to.
4. I can be clear about preferences for closeness or distance in friendships/relationships.
5. While I do not consider myself to be one who likes conflict, I am able to talk about disagreements and remain in the discussion.
6. I know how to calm and soothe myself in a stressful or conflictual situation.
7. I know what “healthy boundaries” are and I am able to respect my own and those of others.
8. I am able to be nurturing and allow nurturing in a relationship.
9. I am able to reach out and repair a friendship/relationship with words and actions when it is needed.
10. I have identified characteristics in a partner that are important and I am able to end relationships (get out of ones that are not healthy) when I need to do that.
11. When there are differences in the kind of partner who attracts me and the kind of partner who fits with my values and life, I am able to make the distinction and make choices that are healthy for me.
12. I have made decisions about what part I want sex to play in a relationship and can communicate those clearly and stand by them with my partner.
13. I have a good sense of humor.
14. I know how to say “I am sorry”.

If you can answer “yes” to 12 out of 14, congratulate yourself on your emotional intelligence and seek dating partners and friends who reflect these characteristics as well.

Tip of the Week, January 5, 2009

2009-01-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

The higher the expectations, the lower the peace.
Alcoholics Anonymous

Dating: 7 Healthy Habits

2008-12-29T14:31:00.000-08:00

Dating is interesting and desirable for people of any age. Here are 7 habits for dating and choosing healthy partners.

1. Go slowly in a new relationship. There is no reason to rush. Enjoy the experience of really getting to know someone. Put off the “Where are we going with this?” discussion for 6 months.

2. Think about your past relationships and learn from them. What did you do right and what you want to do differently?

3. Have a checklist of qualities that are important to you and stick with them. Dating is more about finding someone healthy for you than someone who likes you.

4. Think of dating as a sport rather than an intense search for THE ONE. Relax and have fun.

5. Meet your date’s friends and let some of your friends meet your date. See how he/she acts around friends and assess what you think about your date’s friends.

6. Consider a rule for yourself about sex and intimacy such as not to sleep with someone new for at least a month.

7. And finally, never mistake infatuation for love.

Do you have ideas as well? We would love to hear from you.

Tip of the Week, December 29, 2008

2008-12-28T11:53:00.000-08:00

Begin a Gratitude Journal. Every night, write down 3 things that you are grateful for that day.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

2008-12-24T11:37:00.000-08:00

Make a photo album of one of your favorite trips, holidays or moments. Write captions and a dedication page.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

2008-12-23T14:08:00.001-08:00

Create and write in a journal, with your own handwriting, a list of “25 ways that I think you are special” or “25 reasons why I love you“.

Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Ideas

2008-12-22T11:50:00.001-08:00

Make a family “communication” box. Find a small box and put trinkets in there that will communicate feelings. A band aid can mean “I am hurting”, a Kleenex can mean “I need a good cry”. A candy heart for “I need love”. A small lifesaver can symbolize “I am feeling overwhelmed.” A place card can mean “I need a favor”. Put the box in a place where all can see it every day. When someone needs any one of these emotional needs met, they just lay out the symbol for others in the family to see.

Tip of the Week, December 22, 2008

2008-12-22T03:41:00.001-08:00

As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December's bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same. - Donald E. Westlake

Another Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Idea

2008-12-19T05:00:00.000-08:00

Get a lot of small items from the dollar store … or make/bake some. Wrap each one individually and attach instructions to only open one a day until New Year’s Day

Another Low-Cost, High Affection Holiday Gift Idea

2008-12-18T10:43:00.001-08:00

Collect and burn a cd, specially made for your friend or family member. Add one song that you chose because it reminds you of him or her … along with a note that explains why.

Ideas for Low-Cost, High Care Christmas Giving

2008-12-17T04:38:00.000-08:00

It is a week until Christmas. We know that many people are worried about how to provide gifts for their family and friends and yet want to give them something. We are going to offer one idea each day until Christmas.

Today's idea: a Family Staycation. Pretend that you are on vacation in your own home. Do things that you would normally do on vacation, stay up late and sleep in, eat different foods, play games, visit interesting sites, watch movies and eat popcorn. Celebrate time together.

Tip of the Week, December 15, 2008

2008-12-14T11:51:00.001-08:00

For one of your holiday gifts, talk with your partner about your proudest moments. Share with each other what things about yourself and your relationship that make you the most proud.

Holiday Rituals Are Gifts

2008-12-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

When you think back on your childhood, what do you most remember … the gifts that you received or experiences that you had? For us, and probably for many of you, more emotion is around how your family celebrated holidays.

It is comforting to think about that in these times of financial stress, because rituals cost very little money and are so important in bonding families together and promoting healthy and positive feelings about each other and about this special time of the year.

Some of the rituals we have heard about recently involve family outings to pick out the Christmas tree, special food, drinks and music, baking for neighbors, midnight religious ceremonies, caroling in neighborhoods.

One of our favorites involves “train night”. We invite all of the grandchildren to spend the night, get out John’s childhood train and put it up. One of the grandchildren gets to go with Papa John to pick out a new accessory for the train every year. We have popcorn and hot chocolate while John reads The Polar Express and the next morning we all walk to the candy store to pick out special treats. The children make sure that we maintain the same routine and look forward to it every year.

Please share some of your rituals with us.

Tip of the Week, December 8, 2008

2008-12-07T12:32:00.000-08:00

Let go of planning for tomorrow. Live in the present.

Tip of the Week, December 1, 2008

2008-11-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

At this holiday time, remember, lower expectations lead to a higher sense of peace.

Tip of the Week, November 24, 2008

2008-11-23T12:41:00.001-08:00

During this week of Thanksgiving and in this very hard and scary time in our economy, take the time to let others know the things that they do that you admire or appreciate. Appreciation is a gift that keeps on giving.

Lonely, Single and Facing the Holidays

2008-11-19T11:59:00.000-08:00

Are you facing the holidays alone? Many say that they are okay with their “singleness” most of the year but the holidays are really tough. You want someone to go with you to parties, shopping, to share presents, religious and family celebrations. Doing these things alone, especially in the company of others who seem happily mated can be really difficult and remind you even more that you are not “coupled”.

It is extremely hard if this is a “first” for you. The first one after the end of a relationship, especially after a death or a divorce, is so very hard. Thoughts and feelings from memories of past holidays together feel overwhelming at times and it may seem hard to get through each day, sometimes each hour. It gets easier as time passes although some say it never really gets easy.

Here are some suggestions for helping you to ease this time.

Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself a Christmas present and special holiday food. Think of ways to celebrate the goodness of you.

Go easy and have realistic expectations. Don’t expect “glorious” holidays, rather look for ones of peace.

Acknowledge your feelings of sadness and loneliness. Recognize that it is natural to want to share this time of year with someone special. Journal about it or talk it over with a friend and then find a way to let it go. Focus on something or someone else. Do not let yourself travel too far down the path of unhappiness, rather head it off at the pass. Rarely is there anything good that comes from thinking too much or letting these thoughts overwhelm you.

Do something for another person. This can be anything from volunteering to help out in a shelter to baking cookies for neighbors. Reaching out to others, often ones in a more difficult situation than your own, can help put your own loneliness in perspective.

Write a list of the good things about you and happening in your life right now. What do you do well? Who are your friends? What are your strengths? What would others say that they most like about you? Make copies of this list and keep it near by so that you can reach for it whenever you need to bring yourself back to a happier place.

Make plans. If you do not have a lot of people to keep you busy … or money to cover costs, find ways to attend events at the library, show up at a church, walk in the neighborhood where you might see other people. Get out of your home and be active. We have a friend who has organized an “Orphans’ Christmas”. She invites others that she knows are alone for the holidays. They all bring a small gift to open and exchange and share a meal. This tradition is now 12 years old and she has requests from others who hear about it and want to join the group.

Remind yourself that this time does not last forever. January 1 will come and life will return to a more normal place. You have gotten through tougher times in your life. You can and will get through this as well.

Tip of the Week, November 17, 2008

2008-11-16T11:24:00.001-08:00

Spend the same amount of time that you spend on your hobby (running/exercising, watching television, playing golf, etc.) on your marriage.

Holiday Family Stress

2008-11-10T08:35:00.000-08:00

The holidays are nearly here and many of us will be spending time with family. For many people this involves seeing relatives that they may only see at this time of the year. We do not always like or agree with all of our relatives and this can bring about stress and tension for days, weeks or even longer before the events. Here are some suggestions for how to think about and handle these gatherings.

Visualize the experience. Think about all of the possible difficult conversations or statements and make plans in your head or with your spouse about how to handle them. Practice your responses which can be anything from silence to a simple statement or a prolonged conversation. Planning for difficulties makes them less stressful.

Be positive and complimentary whenever you can. Don’t make things up, be realistic; however, remember that positivity breeds positivity and it may lead to a friendlier atmosphere for the family.

Avoid divisive subjects. Find ways to change the discussion or even leave the room. This is not a time to solve the world problems or dissect the latest election.

Answer the question: Is it more important to have family harmony or win an argument? Arguing rarely is helpful and yet it is important to stand up for yourself and sometimes for others. Prolonging a discussion after making a statement may not be helpful in the long-run. If you really need to state your opinion, do so respectfully, listen and then, if at all possible, find ways to let go.

Stand up for your spouse or children with your own family. If another family member makes a disparaging remark, calmly but directly, let them know that it is not okay with you to talk or treat your family in that way. If at all possible, try not to get into a prolonged confrontation where apologies are demanded, often that leads to more conflict. If you need to, find a way to leave the gathering early.

Try to position yourself around the relatives that you like and enjoy. Don’t make it too hard on yourself. If you find Uncle Charlie irritating, be friendly, but then sit near others. Remember, you don’t have to like everyone.

If alcohol is served, limit how much you drink. Plan to keep your good thinking in place.

Remember, this is only for a short period of time. You do not have to remain forever. It will be over and you can go back to your safe, comfortable surroundings with those who love and respect you and share your ideas and values.

Do you have any ideas to share with us? Please post your comments here.

Sally Connolly and John Turner
CouplesClinicofLouisville.com

Week of November 10, 2008

2008-11-09T09:13:00.000-08:00

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
Leo Tolstoy

Tip of the Week, November 3, 2008

2008-11-02T14:50:00.000-08:00

If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.”
Author Unknown

Tip of the Week of October 27, 2008

2008-10-26T09:48:00.000-07:00

Marriages need frequent tune-ups. If kept on autopilot too long, they will run out of steam.

Tip of the Week of October 20, 2008

2008-10-20T16:28:00.001-07:00

Life presents many challenges and struggles. Some people seem to experience far more than their fair share. Those who survive and thrive find ways to meet those challenges and changes and come out better rather than bitter.

Older Couples Report Higher Satisfaction In Their Marriage

2008-10-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

Recent research on brain chemistry shows that our brains change as we age. The older that we get, the less we notice the negative things in our lives and in our spouse and so, older couples report a higher level of happiness in their marriage.

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology scanned brains of young people, middle-aged and old as they viewed both positive and negative scenes. The older brains showed less reaction to negative and stronger reaction to positive scenes. Younger brains showed more activity when viewing negative scenes and those in their middle ages responded in a more balanced way.

"As people get older, they seem to naturally look at the world through positivity and be willing to accept things that when we're young we would find disturbing and vexing," said Dr. John Gabrieli, a professor of cognitive neuroscience and one of the researchers in the study. This helps older couples see problems or bad habits in a more positive light or just let go of them rather than holding on and allowing them to color their feelings about each other.

We met John and Mary on a scuba trip off the island of Tortola. Both were in their middle 70’s and still diving. On every dive trip, they would hold hands throughout the dive, pointing out interesting things to each other so that the could share their stories when they returned to the boat. We asked them what made their 50+ year marriage seem so good to those of us observing. They acknowledged some tough times over the years but had made a decision to overlook the small things and only focus and celebrate the good in each other and in their relationship. They agreed that it got easier as they got older … and their memory of old hurts and troubles faded while their friendship deepened.

Tip of the Week of October 13, 2008

2008-10-12T16:29:00.000-07:00

Give what you want to receive. Speak in the way that you want to be spoken to. Treat your partner in the way that you want to be treated.

Tip of the Week of October 6, 2008

2008-10-04T13:44:00.001-07:00

Try to see things through your partner’s eyes.

Dating After Divorce

2008-09-30T08:50:00.000-07:00

I have been divorced for 3 months and wonder when it will be time for me to jump back into the dating scene. What do you think?

Good for you at thinking about this and asking this question out loud. Too many people believe that the best way to survive the breakup of a marriage is in the arms of another. Nothing could be further from the truth.

It is very important to grieve the loss of the relationship and, even more importantly, the hopes and dreams for what could and might have been. It takes a lot of courage to grieve the losses because there is nothing about it that feels good and struggling through it as a single person can be very hard; however, the distraction of a new romance robs the opportunity for developing maturity, self-understanding and growth.

There does come a time when it is a good idea to think about venturing forth into places where you might meet another romantic partner .. “climbing back on the horse” as one might say.

Some of the signals that might indicate you are ready to begin dating will be clear and completed. Others will definitely be fluid, a work in progress. Here are some of our ideas of things to think, write and talk about.

What was my contribution to the end of the marriage/relationship? What have I learned about myself, in addition to a possible defective “picker”, that I know that I need to do differently? Figure out some of the answers to these questions as a beginning to success in your next relationship with the right person.

Am I able to go days without crying or being excessively angry at my former partner’s past behavior? Can I also experience him or her now and have normal but not excessive emotional reactions. Not only must you be able to heal from the past, you also must be able to find ways to be more detached and less emotionally accessible, with either positive or negative emotions, to your former spouse in order to finish the divorce process and be able to be a healthy partner in a new relationship.

Have I been able to get my finances and career in a healthy place or have a plan to do so and definitely taking steps in the right direction? It is never a good idea to begin a relationship from a place of “need” rather than strength. You want to be able to stand on your own two feet so that you can enter any relationship on solid footing.

Have I developed a life of my own as a single person? Make sure that you can be comfortable on your own (even though you may wish that you had a partner). Other people cannot really make someone happy. Each person has to learn to do that for him or herself.

Have I done some thinking about what I want in a new partner? It is important to define what you are looking for so that you have some standards about those you want to spend time with and with whom you want to explore a relationship. Dating is not about finding someone who will pick you … but rather finding someone who fits your needs.

These are some of our ideas. What are your thoughts and experiences?

Tip of the Week of September 29, 2008

2008-09-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

What counts in making a happy marriage is not how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.
Leo Tolstoy

Supporting Your Relationship Through a Financial Setback

2008-09-23T13:08:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of households stressed about money these days. This financial crisis has couples and families of all ages worried. Some fear paying bills, others worry about retirement as they see their savings dwindle. It is often hard to keep the stress and worry from affecting marriages. We often find it harder to be nicer to the ones we love. Here are some suggestions that we have for couples who want to strengthen their marriage, not let it deteriorate.

Acknowledge that this is a tough time. Do not deny the seriousness of the situation. Talk together about your worries, fears, anger and sadness. If sadness or depression hangs around a lot for one or both of you, consider professional help.

Remember that you are on the same team. Both of you have the same wish, to resolve the financial dilemma. Think of this as a puzzle to figure out together. Visualize each other as a team-mate not an opponent and talk with each other in ways that promote good feelings rather than accusations or mistrust.

Share the load. Do not try to solve the problem by yourself. Ask your spouse to handle the bills every other month or be in charge of making sure unwanted lights are put out, clip coupons, walk to the store, etc. Think together about how you can help each other as you look for ways to survive and maybe even thrive.

Plan regular “financial summits”. Plan to meet on a regular basis to talk about money, budgets and bills. Use actual facts and figures to plot your moves. Try to find a way to make them a little less stressful like pouring a cup of coffee and sitting on the back deck or going to McDonalds for ice cream and talking it over away from home. However you do it, though, make sure that you both do it and are open, honest and “scratching your heads” together over how to handle the money.

Set goals. A small percentage in savings? Stretching the paycheck to last throughout the pay period? Paying off one credit card? Monitor your progress on the goal and scratch them off when you have been successful.

Try to keep things as normal as possible. Have date nights and family nights even if you have to be very frugal. Make sure to have fun with each other and promote laughter and play. The more you can generate positive times and put deposits in the emotional bank account, the easier it will be to get through the tough times and difficult decisions.

Tip of the Week of September 22, 2008

2008-09-22T05:57:00.001-07:00

Forgiveness often helps the one who forgives more than the one who is forgiven. Furthermore, there are times when it might be best for you, not to tell someone that you have forgiven them, just forgive in your heart.

Tip of the Week of September 15, 2008

2008-09-14T09:13:00.001-07:00

Learn something new about your partner. What does he remember about grade school? What is the silliest thing that she carries in her purse? What did the children do in his neighborhood on summer nights? Which movies stars did she most admire as a teen? What was his first volunteer project? How did her parents show love?

Seven Special Date Ideas

2008-09-12T05:41:00.000-07:00

Couples must continue dating throughout marriage. It is important for connection, nurturing and romance. It reminds people not to take each other for granted. Dates lead to many deposits of love and good will in the emotional bank account so that when normal problems arise, it is easier to work through them. Most couples can figure out regular dates like dinner and a movie. Here are some suggestions that we have for putting a little more verve and interest in a marriage. We welcome ideas from you as well.

1. Re-create your first date. Try to remember what you were wearing and look for something similar to wear (unless you have been successful at keeping your youthful figure). Go to the same places, put on a cd with music of that era, see if you can remember your conversations from earlier dating days.

2. Renew your wedding vows. Visit the location where you were first married, alone or invite others. Sit in the back of the church, on a blanket near the chapel, somewhere close by. Share your vows with each other and then have a celebratory meal, maybe go dancing, and reminisce about that day.

3. Too expensive and complicated to get a sitter? You can still have special dates. Make a combined effort to get the children in their rooms and settled for the evening, pop some popcorn and put in a movie from your past. Talk about the what was happening in your relationship when you first saw that movie. Think about ways that you can bring some of those same things back into your relationship now.

4. Plan to go somewhere and do something different that neither of you have ever done before. Go a little outside of your comfort zone. Eat new foods, try a different activity, listen to music that is unusual for the two of you. Dress up or dress down. Be completely different and adventurous. Break the old routine and see what new information this reveals about your spouse.

5. Do something for others. Volunteer at a homeless shelter, take food to shut-ins, volunteer to repair homes with a community agency, work on a project in your neighborhood. Notice the positive feelings that you have about yourselves and each other as you help others.

6. Plan a sensual (not sexual) evening. Light candles, wear perfume or cologne. Plan a massage that is only for relaxation and becoming reacquainted with each other’s bodies. Commit to having no more than a sensual experience. Take the pressure off for a sexual encounter, instead use it to become more connected in a pleasure-giving way.

7. Pretend that you are just meeting for a first date. Make every effort to look really nice. Be charming in a way that you would with a new acquaintance. Ask lots of questions about each other, likes, dislikes, dreams, fears. Make every effort to be curious and inquisitive as you would with anyone that you would like to impress.

Developing a Positive Sentiment in the Marriage

2008-09-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

How do you know when a troubled marriage really is going to be okay? What are signs that things are back on track?

One of the ways that we can tell when a couple is back on track is when they talk about each other and their relationship with a positive tone, softening problems or their partner’s mistakes with understanding and talk of “when we get through this …”

Jim and Joan struggled with many problems in their marriage including Joan’s affair 3 years ago. Jim was recently telling about a fight that they had and remarked that, in the past, he might have thought about this as a good reason to think about divorce; however, now he just thought about it as miscommunication and differences and something that they would have to figure out together.

Emily was relating a story about Tim’s forgetting yet one more of her birthdays. In the past, she would have been extremely mad, hurt and disappointed. She would have seen it as a sign that he no longer loved her and was very selfish. Now she is able to tease him a little, let it go and then let him know what she was buying her for a present and where he was taking her for a celebratory meal.

This “attitude of forgiveness and acceptance” allows couples to place a positive sentiment on what might have been seen as negative and hurtful behavior, lightening the feelings in the marriage and enhancing a “we-ness” and commitment to work through “normal” differences and challenges. This occurs when there are a lot of positives in the marriage and couples have an abundance of love, good will and positive feelings toward each other and their relationship. (John Gottman’s researched formula is 5 positives for every 1 negative.)

Tip of the Week of September 8, 2008

2008-09-07T13:06:00.001-07:00

Write a love letter to your partner.

Tip of the Week of September 1, 2008

2008-09-01T13:12:00.001-07:00

Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring and integrity, they think of you.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Toxic In-Laws

2008-08-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

My husband’s parents treat me terribly. No matter how hard I try to be nice to them, they do not reciprocate. In disagreements, they always take their son’s side. I am thinking that it would be better for me if I just kept my distance. Is this the best solution?

Being an in-law truly can feel like being an “outlaw” at times. It is rare for a spouse to really feel like the child of the other one’s parents. You are wise to notice that what you are doing currently is not working in the way that you want it to and you want to find a way to do something differently.

Here are some things to think about :

Set realistic expectations. Don’t think that they will automatically like you. You “took” their child away and now they have to accept someone new, not necessarily of their choosing, into the family. While there are some parents who find it easy to incorporate new members into the family, others find it an intrusion and have a great deal of difficulty shifting relationships, rituals and connection with their own child.

Find ways to befriend them like inviting them to dinner, picking up something small when you are shopping for yourself and your own family, calling occasionally just to say “hello”. Allow the friendship time to develop slowly.

Try to think of some of the things that you do like about them and find ways to call that to their attention. Be as positive as you can around them in your words and your actions and find ways to notice the good things that they do.

It is rarely a good idea to talk with your in-laws about problems with your spouse, even if you feel very close to them. While you might think that it would be helpful to engage them in changing your spouse, unless the problems are very serious ones such as drug abuse or alcoholism, it is more likely that they will not think fondly of you rather than becoming upset with their own child. Find other confidants for yourself.

If you feel that they are truly being mean to you, talk with them about it. Try to have an honest conversation with them about your feelings. Begin in a “soft” way saying things like, “I am sure that I am being overly sensitive, however, it really hurt my feelings when …” or “Can you tell me what you meant when you said …. ?”

Strategize out loud with your spouse about your struggles. He may be able to help you see things from a different place or he may be truly unaware of their treatment of you. Ask him for his support and to speak up if he witnesses and recognizes that they are being disrespectful.

Do not cut off all contact with them unless they are truly abusive to you. They are your spouse’s parents and you, and your family, will be better off if there is contact along the way. You may choose to limit the amount of time that you are with them. You may choose to stay in a hotel when you visit. You and your spouse may agree that you do not have to attend every family function as the two of you build rituals for your own family.

We know that this only scratches the surface of some of your concerns, questions and experiences and would welcome your comments here.

Tip of the Week of August 25, 2008

2008-08-24T13:43:00.001-07:00

Don’t expect that repeating the same attempted solution will get different results. For different results, do something different.

Top Ten Tips for Marriage Maintenance

2008-08-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

1. Have regular State of the Marriage discussions. Talk about what is good that you want to make sure to continue as well as the hopes, needs or dreams that you have that might make it better.

2. Treat each other in the ways that you want to be treated yourself. Even if your spouse is having a rough day or has “forgotten” to be nice, continue to be kind and gentle and wait for it to come back to you.

3. Do not “sweep things under the rug”. If there are things that are bothering you in the marriage, or disagreements that you have with your spouse, think about them carefully. Decide if they truly are small things and ones that you can really let go of, then do so. If not, talk out loud with your spouse (not others) about your thoughts and feelings.

4. Try to see disagreements in each other’s eyes.

5. Say “I love you” in different ways every day, with words, your eyes and your actions. Show clear signs of physical affection.

6. Have time for fun. Be sure to laugh and play together on a regular basis.

7. Respect your partner and his or her ideas. You do not have to agree with them in order to respect them. Listen carefully to her/his thoughts and feelings, even if they feel unfair to you. You will have time to express you thoughts and feelings later as well.

8. Have a date every week, even if you never leave home.

9. Find ways to talk every day. Check in with each other about what is happening in your lives. Look for new and different facts about your spouse’s day.

10. Say at least one positive or appreciative thing about your partner every day.

Tip of the Week of August 18, 2008

2008-08-17T12:20:00.000-07:00

When your spouse has a complaint, keep from offering your alternative view or a counter-complaint. Just get a better understanding about their complaint and why it is a problem for them.

Tip of the Week of August 11, 2008

2008-08-11T06:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone has complaints about their partner. If the complaint is bothersome enough to talk about, find a way to begin softly, maybe with a compliment or as a request for what you want rather than a complaint about what you don’t like.

Falling In and Out of Love

2008-08-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

The way that most people get to our blog these days is through searching out words such as “no longer in love,” “why do people fall out of love” “why do people stop trying” and other variations on this dilemma. We also meet with many couples where one or both of the partners are struggling with recapturing old feelings of love. What a painful time for both people … and it presents such a struggle.

Trying to recapture those feelings of love can be like insomnia … the harder that you try to fall asleep … the more awake you feel. The harder that you try to fall back in love, the more you may notice times of not feeling in love. The more that you try to push those thoughts and feelings of distance out of your mind, the more present that they seem.

The more someone struggles with these feelings, the harder it becomes for the spouse because she, or he, feels that distance and the natural inclination is to try to pull their partner closer. Then the pursuit begins and couples engage in a dance that involves one trying to get closer and the closer that one tries, the more that their spouse pulls back as he or she feels pressure.

Bill and Sandy struggled with this when their children were very young and both were working a lot of hours. It seemed that there was no time to devote to their relationship and they felt distance develop. Both were also tired a lot of the time and their conversations frequently turned to nagging and complaining about the common couple issues of housework, child care, money and sex.

Many of their problems were never resolved but they also continued to surface and slowly but surely their goodwill and friendship eroded. Neither of them wanted to give up on the marriage, mainly because of the children, but both agreed that they had lost feelings of passion and love for each other. When one of them wanted to try, the other had little interest and they just became more stuck and more unhappy.

Bill was the one to finally decide that he needed to do whatever it took to change things in the marriage; however, even with the many changes that he made, it took Sandy months to notice or acknowledge them. He found the courage and patience to persist; however, and made the many changes that he knew she wanted. He focused on rebuilding their friendship, not pressuring her, just being open to her much slower progress.

Both are in a much better place today … and can look back on this time as one that might affect many couples at their stage of life. They are very glad for themselves, as well as their children, that they were able to hang in and turn things around.

Do you have stories to tell about your change of feelings … or of your spouse? Please share them with us.

Tip of the Week of August 4, 2008

2008-08-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

One advantage of marriage, it seems to me, is that when you fall out of love with each other, it keeps you together until maybe you fall in love again.
Judith Viorst

Love Is A Choice

2008-07-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

Have you seen the widely circulated email about making the choice to have a good or bad day? It starts out like this:

“John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!' He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.

“Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'

“He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or ... I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or ... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

“'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested.

“'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'”

Love can also be a choice. You can wake up in the morning and choose to think about the bad things about your partner and everything that you do not like about him or her or you can choose to think about the good things about your partner, the things that you like and want to continue.

You can choose to think about the problems in your relationship as ones that may be fairly normal and ones that the two of you must work together to solve. You can choose to recognize some of the differences as normal ones that many couples face.

You can choose to let go of some of the small things as differences that you have to accept about your spouse or you can choose to let them build up until you are monumentally unhappy. You can choose to evaluate differences and decide which ones need to be talked about and worked through and which ones need to be just accepted as differences between you.

Couples in long-term healthy relationships say that they have seen each stress as something that they have to get through together rather than as something that might end their marriage. The view and attitude that you have colors your feelings. You have a choice in how you view your relationship.

Week of July 28, 2008

2008-07-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

What you look for is what you get. Look for the positives in your partner and your relationship and comment out loud about them.

Is Divorce Contagious?

2008-07-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

We have often remarked that, when clients refer their friends, the dilemmas are often similar. We are not sure what makes that happen; however, we do know that connections with other people influence ideas and experiences.

When you are connected to someone who is unhappy in their marriage, and that is a focus of some of the conversation, it can be easier to notice what is wrong with your own marriage. As people make decisions about their marriage, it may give others the idea that they can do the same. Some said that they found the courage to divorce after seeing their friends manage that difficult step and survive. Others have said that they wanted to stay away from friends who divorced because they feared that it would make it easier for them to give up trying to change things in their own relationships.

In a 2002 Swedish study, Yvonne Aberg, a sociologist at Stockholm University, found that as the proportion of recently divorced co-workers increased, so did the chances that other married workers would divorce. Aberg also found that men and women were 75 percent more likely to divorce during this period if they worked in an office consisting mainly of people of the opposite sex and of the same age. In addition, the more single people working in an office, the higher the divorce rate.

Surrounding your own relationship with others who believe that problems exist and are meant to be worked out can enhance your marriage. Spending time with others who are mature and committed spouses channels activities and conversation into ideas of healthy coupling. Talking with friends and family about the good things in your relationship and, if you need some advice, framing it in a way that imparts the message that you want some ideas for how to solve a problem, not just complain about what is wrong, also supports finding ways to have and maintain a healthy marriage.

Tip of the Week, July 21, 2008

2008-07-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

Problems are generally not as bad as they seem. Thinking about them from a perspective of how life will be when they are solved can help to put things in perspective and often lead toward a resolution.

How Long Can You Twiddle Your Thumbs?

2008-07-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

We pondered this on a recent vacation to the shore. The plan was to include a little bit of business but most was just rest and relaxation … good books to read, interesting restaurants, galleries and museums to explore. Because we are fortunate enough to have a career that we love, it is a strange idea ... to think of giving it up; however, one of these years we will.

There were a few things that we talked about as important in planning for this phase of life. Here are a few of our many thoughts.

One recommendation that we would make is to plan psychologically for this change. Relaxing for a few days with few plans can be wonderful when you are used to non-stop activity. That may not be the case when faced with an empty schedule. It is hard to go from the structure of work to more flexibility in life with fewer deadlines and commitments. Begin thinking about it, both regarding all of the benefits as well as the potential challenges of these changes.

Visualize out loud with each other as well as with friends and family, to make the picture more real. Think about how you will spend days and nights, not with a set schedule in mind, but with some idea of how much time you want to have for leisure and how much you would like to be productive. Think together about places that you want to travel, relationships that you want to nurture, volunteer activities that you want to pursue, projects that you want to tackle.

Ponder together as well about what new ways you will define yourself and what that will look like and how that will feel. Many people, men especially, tend to define themselves by their jobs. When you are now a “former” manager, therapist, attorney, police officer, etc. will that affect the way that you think and talk about yourself? Do you think it will have an affect on how others view you? How do you feel about that?

We will continue to share our thoughts about these changes and would certainly welcome yours as well.

Tip of the Week, July 14, 2008

2008-07-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

Do something nice for one of your spouse’s relatives.

Tip of the Week of July 7, 2008

2008-07-03T04:13:00.000-07:00

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Mignon McLaughlin

Tip of the Week, June 30, 2008

2008-06-29T11:41:00.001-07:00

Always keep a sense of humor. It makes life so much easier.

Couples and Money

2008-06-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

Finances are one of the most common areas of disagreement for couples. When we work with couples experiencing this problem we hear comments about trust, control, stinginess, irresponsibility, lying and dishonesty.

When couples start out with different ideas about money, they can get even further apart with time as each responds to the other. The one who is more frugal can become even tighter when he or she sees a spouse spend in a way that feels superfluous.

When a spouse who is freer with spending feels “controlled” with conversations,
criticism or checking, they may find ways to hide spending. What begins as a simple difference can escalate out of control and erode good will within the couples’ relationship quite quickly.

Here are a few tips that couples can discuss that might help them move from opponents about the family budget to players on the same team.

Talk together about a reasonable amount of money that each of you can spend without consulting the other one. Depending on each individual couple and their finances, it may be as small as $10 or as large as $1,000. Both agree that you will talk about it before any purchases are made (other than necessary ones such as groceries) and problem-solve around the decision.

Work on a budget together. Make sure that you both know the amount of money you receive in your paychecks, any additional income, and the amount of regular bills. Discuss other bills that may not need to be paid monthly but are regular and expected expenses.

Talk out your money differences. Couples with different ideas about spending may not really understand that thoughts of their spouse. For specific purchases that are controversial, talk about your position and why you feel as you do. Try to explain why this purchase is important for you and get a good understanding from your partner about her/his thoughts and feelings about this purchase.

Recognize that finances may just be something that is normal for you to differ on; however, if you remain respectful to each other in the conversations, you will be able to make decisions about expenses that will work for each of you. Think positively about this as a problem to solve, not an attack on your character.

Have conversations about the meaning of money for each. What did it mean when you were growing up? How did your parents handle money? How does that affect the way you think about money? Get a better understanding about your spouse and their thoughts about so money so that when you hit these normal roadblocks, you will be able to travel over them more easily.

Consider a financial planner. If you cannot afford one on our own, check with some churches in your area. Some churches and community centers have people who volunteer to help others with this.

Above all, continue to remain positive with your partner and know that you both have the same end goal in mind … a sound financial plan.

Do you have some ideas to share for what helped you to figure out financial differences?

Tip of the Week, June 23, 2008

2008-06-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

If you feel yourself getting angry, take a break. Think about something positive or get busy doing something. After a while, think again about what made you mad and decide if it is worth talking about or not. If so, think of a calm and positive way to talk about it.

Men and Depression

2008-06-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

My husband is depressed … and I do not know what to do to help him. How can I be helpful?

Depression is the most common psychological problem in America today and it affects the whole family. Sometimes when people are depressed, they turn more into themselves, other times they are irritable and appear to be angry much of the time.

If you think that your husband is depressed, you may be experiencing many reactions yourself. You may be angry, hurt, frustrated, disappointed or even disgusted. You also probably feel pretty helpless about how you can be helpful.

Here are some beginning thoughts about how you might help your husband. These are far from an exhaustive list and we would welcome your own ideas about what you have learned.

1. Educate yourself about depression. There are lots of good sites on the web along with some good books. Learn about the common causes, symptoms and how to help someone who is depressed. We have some recommended reading and web sites on our own web site CouplesClinicofLouisville.com.

2. Try not to take things personally. Recognize that depressed people generally do not sound or act in ways that they normally would when feeling well.

3. Be patient. Change takes a long time and people who are depressed have a considerable lack of energy.

4. Avoid complaining or nagging him about his behavior. In a very loving and non-judgmental way occasionally say things like:
“I worry about you. You seem to have lost your zest for life. Do you notice that change as well?”
“I see that you seem to be sleeping a lot more than usual … naps, sleeping in late (or sleeping very little) and I wonder if there might be something physically wrong with you. What do you think?”
“Try not to get upset with me when I say this because I love you and I want the best for us. You seem to be more irritable lately … in a bad mood a lot. I do not know if there is something specific bothering you, or if maybe you are just in a funk. What do you think?”

5. Notice what is happening when things are better. When you notice that he seems to be a little happier or in a better mood, let him know how happy you are that he seems to be feeling well. Wonder, maybe together, what is helping things go so well.

6. Take care of yourself. Depression can be contagious in marriages. Find ways to be with friends, exercise, eat right and plan pleasant times for yourself. Try not to “catch” his depression.

Week of June 16, 2008

2008-06-15T14:17:00.000-07:00

Thoughts are just thoughts. They are not facts.

2008-06-11T07:19:00.000-07:00

The Top Ten Reasons for Why People Fall Out of Love …
…. and not necessarily in this order.

1. Conflict. A high level of conflict or a lack of resolving conflict begins the distance and isolation cascade.
2. Too much disrespect or contempt. Even gestures such as eye-rolling or “correcting” a spouse erode loving feelings in a relationship.
3. Someone else. When you “love” someone else, it is easy to believe that you do not and can no longer love the one you are with.
4. Taking the marriage for granted and not finding ways to keep it vital and interesting. It is easy to forget the importance of finding time for and nurturing your relationship and your partner.
5. Thinking that those feelings are gone begets more of the same. The more that you think about a lack of feelings of love, the more you feel a lack of feelings of love. What you look for is what you get.
6. Busyness. Couples with young children have the highest divorce rates because their lives are so focused on children and careers.
7. Serious problems such as alcoholism, workaholism, etc. Love can only hang around for so long when a spouse is over-involved with work or struggles with serious addiction (gambling, shopping, etc.) or alcoholism.
8. Not making the shift from “I” to “We”. Couples must find a way to elevate the relationship in their priority list, not letting go of self-care, but recognizing that they need to look for opportunities to support the health of their relationship.
9. Depression. Sometimes when people are depressed, they think that it is because of their marriage and a change in partners will lift the depression. The spouse of a depressed person may also give up, believing that the living environment is too difficult.
10. Influences from family and friends. Family and friends, who often hear only one side of the story, may encourage ending a marriage. When there is a “divorce culture” among friends, and it may seem that the others are happier and the “grass is greener”, it makes it harder to do the work that needs to be done to turn a marriage around.

We will share a few hints about how to turn these feelings around in future posts and would welcome your comments and stories about what worked for you.

Tip of the Week, June 9, 2008

2008-06-08T12:30:00.000-07:00

I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps.
Rocky

She just doesn't "get" me ...

2008-06-06T06:14:00.000-07:00

Getting through to your partner is the responsibility of both the person who is talking and the person who is listening. When people disagree, a natural tendency is to listen with one half of your brain and build your own argument with the other half. Slowing down and really listening before answering can be challenging.

Our recommendation for you, the one who has a point to present, is to find a way to make sure that your partner is in a good space to listen. Here are some suggestions.

Find a good time to talk. Look for an opportunity when you two can just carve out some time to talk about what is important. Make sure that distractions are minimal, especially if it is an important conversation … so turn off cell phones, make sure that the children are in bed, get away from the television.

Listen carefully to your partner’s response. Make sure that she really understood the point you were making. If not, gently say something like “I know that you have valid points; however, I want you to understand what I am saying before you respond.”

You may have to “get” her before she can “get” you. Sometimes people can hear better if they feel that they have been heard first so you may need to let go of your point until you let your partner know and believe that you have heard and understood her, even if you do not agree.

Get agreement to stick with one issue rather than lots of different ones. Ask your partner to agree to this if you start to get off track. It is easy for conversations to become problematic if there is no clear direction.

If either one of you becomes flooded, (your heart rate rises, you feel warm, angry or confused) take a break and calm down. When anyone gets flooded, they cannot listen well and the reaction is usually the “fight or flight” one. Use this as a time to take a break and think about the conversation. You can revisit it later if it is important.

If talking is not going well, try writing. Sometimes writing, either in e-mail or with a handwritten note can help. Be sure to read over what you wrote before sending it, especially if it is a “hot” topic. In fact, if it is a difficult conversation, you may want to sleep on it and reread it the next day before sending it. If the note sounds angry or “pushy” it may be poorly received. The important advice to remember is to be loving, direct and use lots of “I” statements about your thoughts. Find ways to acknowledge what you believe she is thinking and feeling as a way of letting her know that you want to look for a solution or understanding, not a fight or just to win a point.

Tip of the Week, June 2, 2008

2008-06-01T11:38:00.000-07:00

When you marry someone, you get a whole new set of problems. There are always differences between people in a relationship. Expect them. Don’t try to change them. Learn how to compromise, adapt, discuss and accept the differences. Some problems just do not have a solution … however, if you can learn to talk about them, they can enhance, not detract from, your relationship.

Our Nest is Empty, Now What Do We Talk About?

2008-05-29T12:46:00.000-07:00

Many couples find it strange to suddenly be living alone, cooking alone, free to come and go as they please and not worry what time their offspring get in at night. Habits and worries that occupied so much of their lives outside of work are no longer present. Finding ways to occupy time and topics to talk about may provide a challenge. This can be especially hard when there has been a close connection between a parent and child.

One woman recently complained that she often felt depressed because she really missed her Wednesday night shopping and Sunday night movie dates with her daughter. She was worried that, now that her “playmate” was gone, her husband could not or would not fill that role in her life.

The transition is often easier when parents and children have had good relationships and can negotiate the changes in adult-like ways as relationships move from parent-child to more of a peer-like relationship. When there has been hostility or anger a painful move out of a parents’ home, it is much more difficult to feel positive and good about these changes.

When children have been a worry, it is not easy to let go of the worry. One dad recently said that he had a good relationship with his son but lots of his behavior concerned him. Moving out was good for both of them because now the worrisome behavior was not “right under his nose” so when they met for lunch or played golf together, they could chat about family news, politics or sports and not what was “wrong” with his son.

Many people are very excited and well-prepared for the change. These are usually those who have other interests, hobbies and activities alone and together; however, that may be something hard to cultivate during child-rearing years.

One thing that couples must do is to recognize that this life transition brings about many different feelings: sadness, disappointment, loneliness, excitement, confusion, boredom; along with concerns about aging or getting old. It is good to talk about it with each other … about the changes for each as an individual and as a couple, and look for ways to fill those gaps without causing distance in the marriage.

Look for and dream about the positives of this transition. Talk with each other about what you DO like about this different time in your life. Brainstorm activities, classes, hobbies, trips and new experiences that you can have with each other. Develop new rituals of connecting like sharing coffee and the paper on the living room couch together every morning or taking a long walk after dinner every night.

Celebrate the transition to a new relationship with your adult children and plan regular opportunities to gather such as family vacations, monthly dinners, Wednesday night phone conversations and other regular connections that you all can plan for and count on together.

Tip of the Week, May 26, 2008

2008-05-25T14:28:00.001-07:00

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
Robert Fulghum

Adult Orphans

2008-05-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

The name conjures up strange images and seems pretty foreign to many adults who have lost their parents; however, for others, it can be quite jolting and disquieting to recognize that they have become the oldest generation. We all know that our parents will die one day, and yet, it can be quite painful when that time actually does come.

Some say that they feel very alone and find the loss significant. Old rituals or habits that must end like talking things over with a parent, spending social time, holidays or Sunday dinners with them or even letting go of care-taking responsibilities may require some adjustment.

Hannah, a woman in her 50’s and an only child without children of her own, remarked that it was incredibly sad to recognize that there were no other close relatives in her life. She felt very alone. Bill, a 48 year-old man, said that the loss of both parents was very difficult for him and he would most miss the many family rituals that he, his wife and children enjoyed with Bill’s parents.

Parents hold family memories. Suddenly, the history is gone. Parents also often hold unconditional love and regard. As adults, we often still look for ways to make them proud of us and when they are gone, we are required to look within ourselves and others to provide that respect and appreciation that helps us to feel good about who we are.

Adults who come from difficult families, or have had painful relationships with their parents, may also feel the loss after they are gone. Then there truly is no opportunity for a reconciliation or for a relationship that feels loving and respectful, even if hope for that was given up long ago.

There are some things that you can do:
Talk out loud with someone that you trust about positive, negative and even ambivalent feelings about your parents.
Decide on regular rituals to remember your parents like visits to the cemetery, planting special flowers every spring, lighting candles and recovering memories or even just sharing memories out loud.
Find ways to move on, even with small steps, giving yourself permission to let go. Letting go of the grief does not mean forgetting.

What has been helpful, or trouble spots, for you? Please share your comments with us.

Tip of the Week, May 19, 2008

2008-05-19T04:43:00.001-07:00

I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. I cannot change another person. The only thing that I can do is to change myself, my thoughts about them or their behavior or the way that I handle certain situations. Some things I must accept … and learn to let go.

Tip of the Week, May 12, 2008

2008-05-11T12:31:00.001-07:00

Ask your spouse about his or her dreams … for career, travel, entertainment, retirement. Ask your child the same question. Talk with your friends and family about their dreams. You may find some very interesting and intriguing things out … and the person that you question will appreciate being asked.

Resolving Family Tension After Parents Die

2008-05-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

Question: Do all families have tension and disagreements after their parents die? My sisters and brother and I have always gotten along; however, since my parents’ death, we have grown apart and two of them are no longer speaking. There are 4 of us and we are all in our late 50’s and early 60’s. Seems like some of them are acting like children again. What can I do to help?

Response: It is not unusual for families to develop tension after parents die. Often the tension develops as plans are made for funerals and memorial services or the parents’ household is distributed. Old feelings of jealousy and hurt can emerge as some take charge and others respond or react. Many people are not good at resolving conflict, asking for what they want or need or even disagreeing. Other people, often the oldest child, take charge and that can cause resentment. One recent study found that dividing the parents property caused the most tension because so much holds sentimental value and desires for and losses of “special” things from wedding rings to family photos to Dad’s favorite chair can cause tension, hurt and angry feelings.

When the tension emerges after the death, try to talk as a group about a safe and fair way to divide the property. There are lots of different and creative ways to help this to happen from selling everything and dividing the profits to drawing numbers and going through the house one room at a time, choosing an article based on each person’s number. The main thing is to have a group decision about the process. If everyone is involved in that decision, things will go much more smoothly.

If there has been some time since your parents’ death and the lingering tension remains because of how things were handled after the death … or before with care for the parents and/or end of life decisions, it can be harder. As a family member who is interested in seeing change, look for one or more of your sisters or your brother who might share your feelings. Begin conversations with each other and then with those who are still hurting, about their struggle and listen with empathy and concern, even if you do not agree with them. Don’t try to “talk sense” but see if they can feel as if their ideas were appreciated. Begin to talk about some process of contact, even if it is limited. That may not happen; however, if you are patient and go slowly, sometimes this can change. Losing parents, even when you have been an adult for a long time, can be very difficult. Grieving and resolving the loss takes time. When this is complicated by feelings of old childhood hurts or wounds, it can take even longer.

Find ways to keep yourself out of the middle in this. You are not a mediator or a therapist. Do what you can to keep a relationship with all of your siblings and model love, respect and healthy communication.